Why I am this way?

September 19, 2012
By Anonymous

I on no account really wanted to be this way in the past. I had always tricked myself into thinking that it was my burden that I was this way and that on the inside somewhere I had choose to be like this, and that it had made me a bad person for this. That I was inadvertently looking for some sort of attention, and the truth is all of it was true: except the attention part. I actually couldn’t have wanted to be out of the attention hotspot than I already did.

It was always a twinge to think that I was going to be hated by any and everyone if I were to ever tell them about this. And, that I would most definitely be hated by any and all of my friends, immediate family, and relatives. I wished so bad that for just a little while I could pretend that it was all fine and that I didn’t really care about what anyone would have thought if I were to just come right out and just say it. But, being the person that I was born as; I couldn’t not care about what people thought and/or said about me. Caring about what other people said about me as a negative was one of and still vestiges as one of my biggest faults, but I just can’t: not care. I always have and will try my hardest to improve myself. Though, I do find myself falling short of that… often.

I wish that I could say this to any and everyone right now but I know that it would cause problems with people and my long-time friendships. I feel I would definitely gain positive feedback, but I KNOW that I would for sure receive vast amounts of terrible comments, thoughts, input, and feedback. I need; I want; I have to tell people I don’t want to keep this to myself any longer. However, I cannot, I will not, and shall not until I feel that there will be more good than bad, more happy than sad, and more gained than lost.

Conversely, I feel it tearing at me every night, imploring that I let it out! So I have past made the decision that I would tell someone, even a family member, and, I did.

So now, all I need and want is for everyone to know or at least the vast majority. I don’t want it to be a reason that people like or hate me. I don’t want it to make or break a companionship that I have. I don’t want it to be posted everywhere as if I am trying to MAKE all and sundry be on far too familiar terms with it. I don’t want it to be my sticky tag, my label, or my brand. Yes! I know that cataloging is a fundamental part of life and that we need it to categorize and separate things in life. Which is good, but I don’t want to be the sore thumb in the group. I know that I am not alone and I know that there are MANY more people in our school that have this same clandestine, and top secret fact about themselves. Which; absolutely calms my anxiety. But, my circumstances are dissimilar and widely divergent from those other than mine as is theirs from mine.

I know that if I told it to my parents that I would be disowned, but I find that every day I am carrying less and less of what they think of me. Though, at the moment I still care and I think I always will even if I care only a diminutive amount. I just wish that they would try to learn and accept this if I were to tell them. Would that be too much to ask? For my own flesh and blood parents to accept me as I was and the “fault”, in their eyes, that was to come with me? That being a rhetorical question I know that it is not too much to ask but I feel that for them it would be too much to bear.

I will tell them someday even if it kills me or it is the last thing out of my mouth…

For those of you that may read this and do not know what ‘it’ and ‘this’ refer to I think that you might need to read it over yet again for on the basis that I just don’t want to say it because to me I consider that it would be to broadcast it… even if it isn’t. Those of you who distinguish precisely what I am talking about and may even familiarize with what I have stated, thanks for understanding.

The author's comments:
Me and my understanding of myself.

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