I wake up. In front of me is the wide open window looking directly onto my back porch where I see a woman sitting in a lawn chair head down in tears and a man over top of her with a buzzer. One section at a time I’m watching the man take the buzzer slowly to her head. As hair’s falling to the ground the woman breaks, gasping for breath. My mind is paralyzed, I don’t know what to think. It’s all become real now, as I lie under the warm covers to my bed, healthy as my crusted eyes are poking out to see what is happening, the woman turns to the right and looks in my window. I panic quickly pulling the blanket back over my eyes and act as if I have never even woken up. I have always hated for my mother to see me cry. Doing nothing but listening now, I hear the buzzer come to a slow stop and footsteps entering my house. I whip my tears, and take a deep breath as I am almost positive in the other room my mom is doing just the same as me. I was wrong. Approaching my mothers room to say good morning, I am brought to a stop as I see the person I have found the most beautiful my whole life staring into a mirror, sobbing and disgusted with her reflection. I want to hug her and remind her she’s still beautiful, but I can’t. I’m terrified, running back into my room like a coward with a simple sentence running through my mind over and over. “My mom has breast cancer”. I feel helpless, but even more so than I, she feels helpless. I feel as if I have no other choice but to act like everything is okay. Go about my day to day life pretending and never let her see me cry. As a 14 year old girl just entering eighth grade I now have to be strong for my mother rather than her having to be strong for me. I didn’t know whether or not this was the right decision, acting like everything was okay. I am just trying to do what any “mommys girl” would do, and that is make their mother proud.
September 13, 2012