You know when we’re in the bathroom for 15-20 minutes saying we’re “doing our make-up” or “cleaning the bathroom” or “washing our face” or whatever other billions of excuses we could think of? Yeah, we’re actually pooping. We are taking a big, huge, stinky poop and you better learn to accept that or the door is that way.

I am so sick of girls having to be so lady-like when it comes to what comes out of us when men can be wide open about it. Yeah, guess what? We poop too! And we fart! Don’t believe me? Think of all the mysterious “phone calls” we make at restaurants or the number of times we’ve left the sink running for ten minutes without using it at all or the “midnight snacks” that come along right after you fall asleep. We were pooping. We just needed some opportunity to get away from you in fear of becoming less attractive. I wish we could just say, “Oh, gotta go poop!” and take as long as we want, but no, you men are just SO important that if one little unpleasant smell escapes us, we suddenly raise our shields and go to any extent possible to distract you from the smell that might not even be there.

Why do we do this? When did this natural process become so unwelcome in society that we had to start going through these crazy processes to avoid it? Poop-wise, I am quite disappointed in my gender. If you are dating someone you can’t fart or poop in front of, dump him and find a real man. A real man will embrace your openness, your ability to be completely real around him, and your relationship will become a million times stronger. Sure, it’ll be a little awkward the first *snap, crackle, pop* escapes you, but the worst thing you can do is pretend like it didn’t happen. That just makes it even more awkward. You have to be strong. Say something like, “Whoops! Sorry! Don’t worry, mine don’t smell.” and bam! You are soul mates. The fart barrier is the hardest one to break through, but can actually be the easiest to handle if you do it correctly. Good luck.

So ladies, do not hold it in! I’ll tell you why. One time, I was at a boy’s house for a little movie date in his basement. Well, I don’t remember what we ate, but it must have been really greasy because a little while later, I was brewing a fart that could blow the roof off. But I didn’t let it go. Not at all. And guess what happened. I felt terrible! My stomach was in knots, I barely wanted to move and some of it just would not stay inside me, so I had to let out a couple silent ones and pretend like it didn’t smell. This really put a damper on the romantic times we had that evening. Holding in that one fart ruined our date! I just wanted to die. If I had just let it out, put it right on the table, we could’ve crossed a huge boundary in our relationship and maybe not have broken up a couple weeks later. Oh, but on the car ride home, I finally let those glorious farts free and to this day, they are probably the biggest, loudest, but maybe not smelliest, farts to ever come out of me. At least I figured out what to do if I’m ever in a Best Fart competition, but more importantly, I learned what not to do on a date. And now I pass this knowledge to you. If you have to fart, then fart! But, if you’re still too much of a lady to set off a good old pants rocket, then just don’t eat! It’ll save him a couple extra bucks and you’ll still feel great at the end of the night.

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Or should I say, women, women, women? See? Pooping and farting is absolutely natural and actually can give you a little edge in certain relationships. Seriously, we need to end the whole “Girls don’t poop!” fairytale and wake these men up! Next time you got to drop a load bigger than the toilet, do it. Don’t leave the sink on, don’t come up with some pathetic excuse, just do it. Please! For the sake of future generations to come who don’t want to sit in agonizing pain when all they need to do is poop, but they can’t because a guy is near, just poop!