It always starts out with an innocent conversation. “You’re so beautiful. I’m different; I promise I won’t ever hurt you.” But time after time the same line is repeated and the same thing happens. My search for love has landed me in dangerous places. Not only emotionally, but physically. I’ll be the first to admit, being a teenage girl in a world that pressures you to have a boyfriend and have underage sex has caused me to crumble under the pressure. When I was younger my first love was innocent and pure, but after being rejected by him I tried to look far and wide for someone who was as perfect as him. I got involved with someone who put smoking pot before me and then someone who picked me up every night just to mess around in dark parking lots. And finally, I ended up being sexually assaulted by a guy I didn’t even know. I didn’t respect myself and I felt like no one would ever love me so I settled for the physical things, not the real things. I’m not asking for pity, because I know everything that happened was completely my fault. When I look back on who I was four years ago, a young girl who just wanted to be accepted and was bullied for being ‘nerdy’, I feel like I’m remembering an old friend. Sometimes I wish I could rekindle the friendship but I know I can’t. There is no feeling worse than standing in front of a mirror naked and crying when you look at your body because you have flashbacks of having a stranger’s body on top of yours. I often wonder, how could a search for true love go so wrong? But I remind myself maybe it wasn’t a search for love. Because love isn’t something you need to search for. Love comes to you and love is all around you. It’s your mom forgiving you after you’ve done something to break her heart in the worst way, it’s your best friend saying he still knows what an amazing person you are despite the mistakes you’ve made, and most importantly it’s the love you show for yourself because you never gave up no matter how much you wanted to.

Despite what society tells us, the search for love and a dream guy should mostly be a search for love for yourself. Because when you love yourself and finally find someone who’s perfect for you you don’t need to be just another girl for a guy to add his list of conquests. You don’t need to be told how hot you are to feel good about yourself. The only thing you need is a smile from that someone who makes your heart beat a hundred miles per hour, and to hear the words I love you and to finally know they’re real, because you deserve it and you’re absolutely worth something. And that is the real search for love.