Suffocate Me

August 1, 2012
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It was slowly killing her. Every face she grew up with, loved, and raised her forgot what being a human really is.

"Don't be selfish! Think about what you're doing to your life and how it's affecting everyone!" they would say to her every day.

The truth is, I've never met anyone more selfless than her. She was raised in a good family. Her siblings and parents would give their life for each other. But when will they realize that being with him was destroying her? Her son would hide in a corner when he would lose control and break the first thing he saw. She would tell her son over and over again, "Daddy is good - he loves you and cares for you." Yet every day as he got older, he understood more and could hear every insult his dad screamed at his mom in their small 2 roomed house.

She never loved him nor did she ever imagine that her life partner would be him. Her marriage was forced as almost everything is in this culture. Her parents regret it deeply - and so does everyone else. So why won't they let her get a divorce? She pleaded, tried to explain to her family that this is not the life that she wants for herself or her son.

"Think about your son first before yourself," they would say.

"But that's exactly what I'm doing," she would say back.

"He will grow up without a father and would always wonder why his parents are separated and all his friends still have both of their parents."

But is raising a child in a home where the father always thinks that his mom is cheating on him as soon as she steps foot outside of the house and later accuses and insults her any better?

"Everything will mend on it's on. He wants you back. Go back to your own house with your son. Give it another try." But she's been trying for 8 years.

When I saw her, she was thin as a stick. Her face was still the same. High cheekbones, straight black hair and full lips. She refused to eat and was becoming weak.

One of her sisters told me that she wanted to commit suicide so why even after that did her sister refuse to support her in getting a divorce?

None of this was making any sense to me. She and I talked that night until 3 a.m. She knew getting a divorce in such a conservative country was extremely looked down upon and a huge risk for any single mother as young as her. But why not? It's her life, her son, therefore her choice. But nobody wanted to hear that.

My mom told her to forget about getting a divorce and just move back with him so as to not get into such a mess. Except how is that path any easier when she never loved and neither of them knew how to get along with each other?

My dad told her everything she didn't want to hear. Instead of enlightening his niece with positive thoughts - he told her exactly what she has been hearing for the last 2 years.

You need to take a chance in life. A society will never change the way that they think if everyone lives in fear. I come to visit this country every 4 years. I'm 17 - and back again. Everything is still the same.

People say over and over again; "I don't care what people think of me - I'll do what makes me happy." So when it's your own blood in your own family saying the same words - why should the matter be any different?

How is getting a divorce - a separation from a marriage she never wanted hurting everyone around her? Do they not want to see her happy and her son raised with a father that will give his mom the respect that she deserves?

"This is making our family including you look bad - why would you want to go into such trouble?" Hearing these words caused her to shake in anger because she loves her family and thinks about nothing but them. I would think that seeing her happy would make her family happy as they are the reason she's in this painful relationship.

She knows what she's getting herself into. She knows the risks involved if she wants to end her marriage. She's prepared to take that risk. She loves her son more than herself and is ready to do whatever she can to support him so why isn't anyone letting her take that chance?

"It's for your own good," her sisters would say. Is it for her own good or theirs?

She knows that he's a good man as an individual on his own except they are just not for each other. She keeps telling him over and over again that getting a divorce will makes things better and not worse. He can find and marry a girl that he truly loves and can give him what she can't.

Life is short and we only have one. We won't be reborn as the exact same person reliving the same events in order to have the chance to do things differently because last time didn't work out so well. This is the life where we need to take all the risks and chances possible and find out the outcomes in this short period we're still alive.

People are destroying each other. Not physically but mentally. It's still death on its own sense. No one can truly live if life becomes meaningless. So why would anyone would want to see their or sister suffer like this because of society when there's an easy way out! This isn't their life - it's hers. Getting a divorce won't stop everyone else's' life. Their lives will continue - their children will grow up and have lives of their own. She will be the only one wondering why she couldn't be happy in her life like she should be. We weren't created so we could suffer life. There's definitely a line between how far you can go to get what you want but that rule doesn't apply here. She's not crossing any line by wanting to be happy for herself and her son. If her family can't see that than they should question themselves of what they value more: what society thinks or their daughter's/sister's happiness.

It's not written in sacred ink anywhere that once one is married they are forever bound to that person no matter what. Marriage doesn't necessarily mean that the person you're married is the one for you. People make mistakes.

The person who is meant for her is still out there because it can't be him. And if she can never get a divorce, she will never find him.

She isn't betraying or disrespecting her family by wanting to separate from her husband. This choice is affecting no one but her. Marriage is love - not a compromise. Marriage shouldn't happen for the sake of finding someone and having a family because that's what life is about.

One day her son will understand why his parents couldn't make it work when he's older. He will appreciate his mom for doing what she did for the both of them. She will see to that he grows up to become a good person. If one parent can do the job right then it will happen. If along the way she can find the one meant for her, everyone who doubted her will realize how wrong they were - but this will NEVER happen if she doesn't stand up for herself and make a decision for herself for once instead of her family.

I'll be leaving soon and won't stay long to find what she chose to do. I hope next time I come things will be a little different - a little happier than they are now. I hope more and more woman learn to come out of the restriction society is putting on them. It's difficult reasoning with people who don't understand reason. It's even harder when it's a whole group of people where they're at your work, living in the same house as you, your neighbours , your friends etc. So how do you change an entire nation? You can't. One person has to change and then they'll change everyone else around them.





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