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My Life Changing Conversation
“Hey, so when are Kristy and Josh moving in?” As I said their names, hundreds of memories flashed through my mind. I loved spending time with them. Josh was the brother I had never had, and Kristy was the aunt I had always wanted. I was so glad they were moving in. Josh could sleep in the guest bedroom and Kristy could sleep downstairs. Perfect plan.
“Well, I need to talk to you about that,” my mom said slowly. It was like each word was fragile and if she said them too fast, then they would shatter into a million pieces. I guess I wasn’t surprised we were talking about this in the car. We both get embarrassed easily, so it gives both of us an excuse not to look at each other.
“Yeah?” Of course. It’s probably another let down. She is probably going to say something around the lines of “They decided it wouldn’t be best,” or “It’s not going to work out.” Her next sentence interrupted my thoughts.
“Well, you know, Kristy and I, have known each other for about a year now,” her words were slower this time. I could tell bad news was on its way. And then it hit me, No, No, No!! This can’t be happening. I saw her small and fragile hands tighten around the steering wheel. Her knuckles were almost white. I could tell her dark brown eyes were as hard as stone behind her glasses. No emotion. She’s great at hiding them. I turned towards her.
“What are you trying to say mom?”
She fidgeted a little bit.
“Tell me! Mom, what?!”
“Me and Kristy, are in a relationship, as more than friends. Honey, we love each other.”
My heart stopped right then and there. It sunk all the way down to the pit of my stomach. The tears were flowing out of my eyes faster than I could wipe them away. I tried to swallow the hard lump in my throat, but it remained there, the size of a boulder. My hands were shaking on the armrest of the car and I tried to force something out of my mouth, but as soon as I opened it, I gasped for air. I turned away; I couldn’t look at her. Her hands were fidgeting around the steering wheel, like someone who was thrown into an awkward situation and couldn’t get out, which is exactly how I felt. I guess, we were both equally scared. I was scared about my life changing forever, and she was scared about losing her daughters’ love over the way she was born. I must have been quiet for longer than I thought because as I heard the crackling sound coming from under the tires I realized that we were pulling into my gravel driveway, and into the garage.
“Do you have any questions?” she asked nervously.
“No.” I muttered in between breaths.
I pushed the buckle and threw my seatbelt off. I forced open the door and ran inside. I always wondered if she sat in the car for awhile. I hope I didn’t make her cry. I never meant to hurt her, but I just ran away from her, leaving her in the car to sit in the angry and sad atmosphere that I had created and left behind me. But at the time I didn’t think of any of this, I just ran straight to my room and into the closet. I closed the door behind me and pressed my back to it, resting all of my weight. I slid down to the ground. My crying had not subsided and my breathing only hardened. I started to get dizzy. I needed to breathe. I grasped onto the light brown dresser that I had put in there. I inhaled counting in my head 1, 2, 3, and then exhaled as hard as I could. I laid down in the fetal position just waiting, waiting for myself to wake up. I closed my eyes and squeezed them as tight as I could.
“Come on, wake up!” I couldn’t believe it, this was real. It was like a nightmare from which I couldn’t awake.
I sat up on my knees and opened the door. I crawled out to my room and grabbed the house phone. I couldn’t get the motivation to walk. As I turned around, I saw a stranger looking back at me in the mirror. I brought my shaking hand up to my cheek. The chill of my fingertips felt good on my warm red face. I traced the mascara lines that were stained on my cheek from my tears. I didn’t even look like myself. I needed someone to talk to and quick! My fingers punched the numbers without thinking.
“Hey, this is Lydia! Leave me a message!”
“Lydia, call me! I need someone!”
I called over and over and there was no answer. I threw the phone against my bed and fell to the ground. It felt like I had laid there for an eternity.
Eventually the tears slowed, and I decided it was time to talk to her. I couldn’t put this off any longer. I wiped my face, took a deep breath and stood up. My feet felt extremely heavy as I walked towards the door. It felt as if gravity were pulling my feet to the core of the earth trying to keep me from moving.
I gripped the cold, gold handle and went to the kitchen. She was standing there, leaning on the granite countertop like she knew I was coming. I sat down at the seat at the counter.
“How long?” I was surprised how calm I sounded.
“Since last January.”
I couldn’t believe it. It was February now. She kept this from me for a year? A whole year! Why?! Why didn’t she tell me? What else had she lied about?! Oh my god, does Josh know? The noise of the phone snapped me back to life.
“Lydia, Destiny will call you back later.” She hung up the phone. “Lydia’s worried about you.” I ignored her comment.
“Does Josh know?”
“He has known since he was nine. Kristy was in a relationship with someone before me.”
“Oh.” I felt numb. I had no idea what to think about this.
“Kristy and Josh are coming over later. Do you want me to tell them to stay home?”
“No, I want to talk to Josh.”
“Okay.” She forced a grin. I guess she was trying to lighten the mood. I kept my face blank. I grabbed the phone and went to my room.
“Hi.” The tears had started up again.
“What’s going on?”
“I can’t say it.”
“Is she okay?” she questioned.
“Kristy.” My breathing quickened and my hands started to shake again.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I …I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s okay.” I couldn’t expect her to understand. This was almost beyond my grasp. To her it must be insane. I didn’t know many of the details of their relationship, so our conversation was short.
The rest of the day was a blur. None of it seemed real. And as I look back on it, I realize from that day forward my life has never been the same. In the beginning I found it hard to even talk or look at either one of them. But now that I have gotten help, I have realized I have more love from the two of them than most kids will ever have in their lifetimes. I have realized that I shouldn’t judge my mom on what her heart tells her. It’s out of our control and for the first time in my life, I am okay with that because I love my mom. And I know no matter whom she dates, her love for me and my love for her will never change.