This is not a generic love letter

By , Clemson, SC
Dear you;

I told myself I was no longer going to write to you, and this holds to be true. You won't receive this, not like you did before. This paper will not be folded and tucked into your pocket as we talk and act like there is nothing between us.. I know you don't want that to happen again. Not anymore, but if any bit of that heart that cared for me is left inside of you, you would feel nothing but sorry for me. Never regret, only pity. I wonder if you ever think or thought of me, images clouding your vision of a black ceiling with picture cut outs of my face; though imperfect and never good enough, you called it pretty, and perfectly specked with flaws. You told me never to believe that I was ugly; you told me never to change myself for anyone or anything. You said it was okay the way I was and you liked it. I should never pretend to be someone I'm not.

I didn't think I could ever possibly refill the parts of me you left drained after you swore I was tearing myself away from you and she was growing closer. I can't stop the tears that come when I remember how you used to look at me, tell me I was the only one, and no other could ever take my place. I can't help thinking of all the lies you painted for me in the work of a fantasy, so beautifully scratched from our late night conversations and laughing in the hallways. Honestly, I know I could not and cannot ever be what she has become to you. When you thought you loved at first it was merely a game compared to how very much you feel for her.. How you would wait five hours in solitude for thirty minutes with her. I can still imagine me being that person.. I can only think of how very hard my stomach would knot if your hands and arms and lips were only meant for me. If you talked about me the way you boast about her. I wish I could be the face that lights up your world and becomes your most addictive drug. But I am not.

And even if you did at some point try to crawl back under my skin the physical attraction wouldn't even be there.

It isn't your fault. Not that you feel any guilt whatsoever. It is okay... I forgive you so very many times in my mind that you don't even know about. It doesn't even matter, you are so happy and I am trying so very hard to talk to her and be nice and act like flipping through pictures of you two, your bodies pressed together and your lips on her face don't make my chest compress into this hard ball of pain. I have to act like our friendship is some silly thing we can just throw in and out and we will eventually just let go of.. Let the candle burn out. You'll move off with her and be happy, even though I still cannot see through her mask. I'll act like you just being there is enough. That the possibility of you sitting with me after she is gone is enough. I wish I could wear her mask for just one day.. And feel this amazing feeling that you talk about and act like is the most amazing thing in the world. And you will never feel with me. I miss your teasing me and the fact that I liked you. I miss you whispering the secret.. That you liked me. But you never did.. not really...I was silly to believe it and now the happiest I can ever be with you is sitting beside you and smiling and it just being that... Maybe a friend. Maybe someone that loves you more than they do everything else.. And will never be loved back. I guess you'll have plenty of fun without me. I hope you like the feeling of winning and knowing that you are the absolute best; no one comes within reach to your success. I hope you realize how much I miss that.

-Still signed with love





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