Every time I see your name, time ceases. What were once loud sounds are quieted, what were once fast movements become slow. My eyes close and my body shivers, my lips let out a soft sigh of remembrance. But my heart beats a little harder, my mind slowly turns back in time for a few seconds before reality catches back up. All my wishful daydreams blur together in the simplest words, I want you back.

I make up stories, make up excuses for why you left, make up scenarios of us uniting or arguing. Why the hell did you leave? Is there anything I could have said to make you stay? Was it my fault? Do you know what it feels like to wake up everyday with you in my mind? You were her brother, you were mine. Why weren't you there for us? Why haven't you come back yet, do you know how many years it has been? Or what it feels like for someone like me to hold on to someone like you? Someone so perfect, so flawed but perfect that I cannot say it's impossible to miss something you never had because I never had you, I never had a chance to have you. But every day brings hope that you will be caught visiting. I long for the day I catch you searching for me. For us. Your sister and I.

You know you deserve the chastisement. You know you hurt us, and we know we hurt you, but you leaving like that was not closure. I did not let you go, I did not forget the months that I spent tirelessly thinking about nothing but you

All you had to tell me for me to understand was that you needed some time. But instead.. instead you left. What is that supposed to tell me? If you come back, and things get bad, will you leave again? Leave because it's easier than untangling our mess. I would sit there for hours unraveling the strings that got caught up between us, but where will you be? Please, just be right next to me.