Fix a Heart

July 6, 2012
By , voorhees, NJ
hay hay hay. i dont really know where to start with my story. i guess i'll start where it all first happened, royal weddings. a wedding company that i used to hang around a lot. lol dont ask why. any who. there was a really popular guy once. his name is Cyrus. he'd be 14 this year. we've known each other half our lives, he's my best friend. the most amazing guy I've ever known. but the sad part is that he;s been through so much. his mother was murdered and all he had was his dad and step mom. he was born in essex england. he was unusually tall but he was admired by so many. like i said we were best friends. he was the person i looked up to, the one that i would take a bullet for, the one who made each and every one of my days worth living. he made me feel more loved than i've ever felt. but he liked me. i didn't know until i had to harass it out of him. (not intentionally though btw, he was just upset for no reason and it was getting on my nerves) to make him feel better i told him i liked him back. "why not?" i said. i decided to take a chance and be with him even though i knew it wouldn't work it out. lol WRONG. by the 4th week we were together i truly and honestly believe i was in love with him. i loved him so much. it was unreal. the way i loved him was unexplainable. my love for him was so powerful and strong. it sound cheesy i know but i dont think anyone understands how dear to me he was, no one understood how much i loved him, or how happy i was to know he was mine. everything was perfect. i smiled and meant it. but something happened. august came. the end of summer. which happened to also be the end of my happiness. a deadline it seemed like. cyrus broke up with me. i didn't and still do not understand why to this day. but i didn't care why, i just needed him. he made me feel more loved than anyone else had and losing him was too much. i could feel my heart literally breaking. i spent those nights crying and trying to talk to him but it went from being more loved than ever to never wanting to leave my room again. from then on it was just pure hate and sadness. but in late september i decided to at least try to pull myself together and start over. everything was calm, nothing exciting. i wasn't happy and i wasn't sad. i was ok. but then december hit. december was pure HELL. i didn't sleep, i didn't eat. i got my first therapist in december. i found out i was bipolar(manic depressive). i needed cyrus. i needed him more than i have ever needed anything. i missed him like f*ck, i couldn't take it anymore. i just couldn't do it anymore. i broke down and talked to him. but that was when i found out he was in a car accident and had amnesia, and his best friend was killed in the accident. he couldn't remember me. it hurt so much. i can't even explain the way i felt. i went outside and just cried, cried and cried, cried my eyes out, cried until i couldn't cry any longer. and in janruary, my life spiraled out of control when cyrus was shot by his mothers murderer. i stopped eating. i stopped sleeping. i even thought about suicide. i self harmed. i cried. every day and every night, was endless hate. my self esteem was negative 20. my motivation for moving on and trying to be happy dropped. i thought, "why am i even here? whats the point? i have nothing to live for anymore." i seemed happy sometimes but i wasn't. i swear i wasn't. but that was december and janruary. during the spring, i slowly , very slowly, regained my hope that things would be ok. i slowly started to try again. i slowly became happier. its summer now. i started eating again. I've gained more self confidence. in june i decided that I'm going to live, I'm going to be happy, take chances. I'm living for cyrus. I'm doing the things he never could, and sending him as much love as i can. cyrus, i love you. rest in peace<3





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