Retrospective Thinking

June 26, 2012
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The other day I walked outside. I felt the wind blowing and the trees dancing back and forth gently with such a calm motion that almost paralleled that of a mother rocking her baby. I glimpsed up at the sky and saw the sun watching down on me from the edge of the clouds, its warmth wrapping me in its arms. “What is pertinent is the calmness of the beauty, its sense of restraint.” Despite the mess from everything there can always be tranquility. Not a fantasy that allows temporary escape but peace that allows yourself to believe whatever you want to believe.

Suddenly everything turned black in my head and a shadow started to appear and grow until I could tell who the shadow was. It was my aunt. Of course, if someone were to see a relative they would feel elation, joy, happiness, but that is not what I felt when I saw her. I saw deterioration. It was imminent, because with every step that she would take anguish and pain appeared behind her following. She has cancer; however, the effects of the cancer were not what I wanted to see. I wanted to see every moment before the present, because when the past has a brighter tone than the future; the future always looks mundane. “Memories, even your most precious ones, fade surprisingly quickly. But I don’t go along with that. The memories I value most, I don’t ever see them fading” In that moment of blackness I saw our walks to the park, the warmth she gave me when I was crying, and the comfort that her presence always had for me. Those memories seem ever so bright when I think about it again in comparison to the uncertainty that the future holds.

Sadly, it is that uncertainty that provides hope, in which everyone looks for comfort. Disease, death, depression "… can teach us: to fall, patiently to trust our heaviness. Even a bird has to do that before he can fly" . A genuine hope triumphs over all sickness, worry, and adversity. Hope is such a minuscule word but with great potential to change ones perspective on the future. I could have taken that moment of nostalgia and cried, but I laughed, since "laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward." . Her figure started to fade into darkness and all I could say was “rage, rage against the dying of the light” . I couldn't bare to think how someone so dear could be on the edge of being gone, which is what makes it all awful. You want them to stay; you want them to be here forever, but the sands of time slowly decimate and all you have left are ashes.

Everyone builds these relationships that allow such a close attachment to people that you feel such remorse when they are gone. “It had never occurred to me that our lives, which had been so closely interwoven, could unravel with such speed.” People’s feelings, they go one way, and then another. It just so happens that you find out that you grow up in the process. That is why I think in the moment of euphoria I was not completely sad. I saw that everything is changing that nothing is permanent and this too would pass.

As soon as she left and the blackness disappeared, my backyard came into perspective again. Those small moments go away so quickly and you wish that you could allow them to continue further. Soon, I saw the beauty of my surroundings, the wet dew underneath my feet and the flowers that were blooming around me. Such a beautiful sight, and yet again despite the heaviness of my heart it was that beauty that allowed my serenity.

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