First Time

People have always advised me, “Go with your gut”. In times of conflict, they have always said to me, “Follow your heart“. And up until now, I would of agreed with them. Yet, a heart and gut belongs inside of me, a human. Nothing’s is guaranteed to work out just because in that very moment your emotions give you a clear, sudden instinct. I never thought moving to Pennsylvania would show me how happy I was despite a few, negative flaws. I never thought moving to Pennsylvania would make me appreciate how fast I was falling for a guy who I regret not knowing longer. And I never thought moving to Pennsylvania would make me feel as if I was entering high school for the first time.

I hear subtle snickering followed by a crowd of obnoxious laughter. I see the changing of faces between conversations of students. I know every last rumor said about my friend and I speak- well, let’s hope I don’t speak a single word of them to anyone else. Days are dissolving into moments and I’m disappearing along with them. Last month seems like a separate, happier life, and I’m losing a grip of what makes me smile. What makes me stand out. What makes me, me. I’m addicted to distractions from reality, fantasies recreating in my mind. I live in denial of how many times the song “Yellow” can make me feel better, closer to him. Sometimes I‘ll just close my eyes and watch him smile at me, like a spark, he brightens up my mind and leaves the negative thoughts to black out. Every day, though, I am surrounded by the same environment, breathing the same atmosphere , and inevitably floating farther off shore. My anchor is up for good. I’m almost done sinking now, wait for a reincarnation to appear.





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