You know those moments when you’re trapped inside your thoughts and want to let them out but cant? Because you’re too scared or insecure, or just unable to accept life as it is… what if you live in that state of mind? What if your so afraid of everything, that you have no where to put it all? And it slowly builds up inside you, slowly draining you away. The fear, the exhaustion, the pure inability to face reality. The fact that you’re living with the pain should make you strong right- “pain makes you stronger” or is it “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”? Either way when your in pain, well, lets just say that isn’t what your thinking. You're thinking you’re afraid. Sometimes all you really want is for someone, just anyone to tell you its gonna be okay. Even when its not, maybe even especially then. But if you put that into words- that you need help, people are going to ask you why. They’re going to plan to make you release all that junk that’s built up over the years. When I was younger- my friend used to tell me she refused to cry at her pets death because she was letting the pain ferment and rot, turning it into wine. Some people think that the alcohol will make it go away- even a small child knows that when someone gets drunk they don’t have to deal with the real world. For a little while at least. Maybe the person who’s letting their pain ferment is looking for the same thing- a release from the real world. A release from the pain that they’re holding onto because it means that they’re at least real. That they aren’t invisible. That they do matter. That’s why when I hear “why didn’t you just ask for help” I wonder. I wonder why we let ourselves end up like this- is it really just because we’re to “stubborn” to ask for anyone’s help? That we don’t need to be saved like everyone else? Because I think people like us are the ones whom need to be saved the most. Because we’re the ones that are holding onto the pain, putting a brave face. Whether for the world or for ourselves it doesn’t really matter. In all the Disney love stories the prince saves the princess and they live happily ever after. Well isn’t in a way the princess saving the prince too? Giving the prince someone who will not let them go through life with a brave face. Who wants them to accept themselves? Maybe. But it’s all in the interpretation isn’t it? Maybe it is as simple as happily ever after, none of the fear of letting people know you aren’t necessarily who they thought you where. None of the fear of being inside your head. Stuck and alone, the thoughts echoing around and around. Maybe that’s the real courage in a fairytale. Maybe everyone needs that courage to not put on a brave face- a mask to hide who you really are. Just because your afraid to disappoint those around you. Your loved ones need you to be brave sometimes, yes that’s true. But you also need them too be brave sometimes for you- the give and take of life. To let them help you find the release of letting it all go. In a healthy way… them not letting you let the “wine ferment and grow stronger” isn’t it already strong enough? And I mean every word of that, the pain is always strong enough- but it’s not as strong as you. Because you are the stronger then you could possibly imagine- and it makes me proud. It should make you proud too. Because in this time and age- you are strong enough and when you don’t feel like you are- those around you will remind you. You are strong enough to do anything- even save the world. One step at a time. I love you and its time for you to save yourself.
A Letter From Insecurity
May 23, 2012