new polished me.

May 28, 2012
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Everyone has that insecurity. That one thing that can make you feel like trash, like you are worth nothing. I’ve been there. I believe everyone has been there. No one is happy with who they are, or how they look like all the time. Someone may feel miserable, like if no one cares for them, loves them, or even pays attention to them. I’ve felt that way. I’ve felt like if someone is always watching me, every move I make and every decision I take, to criticize it. Criticize who I am and how I look. That’s not something for everyone to be involved in, for anyone to care. But they still care, about everything and everyone.

Life is short but not everyone realizes it. They just live in a miserable state, making themselves believe that they are not worth living, that they are not worth paying attention to, that they have no friends and no shoulder to cry on. But they don’t realize that life is too short to question it. They haven’t sat down in front of a blank wall just to think, think about what life has for them in the future, and how the way they think about themselves now can make a huge difference in the way they think about themselves as they grow. You have repeated in your head the thought that you have had about yourself years ago, that you are worth nothing and you are miserable, so many times, that it gets to the point where you start believing it.

I have sat down in front of a white, blank, speechless wall just to think. Everyone needs that moment every once in a while, just to be alone. The human eye is not capable of understanding how fast life passes you by. I am already 14 and I have watched my years of child hood pass by me every single day. The days that I have had to just go, and do whatever I want, and scream whatever I want to without thinking about what other people might say, have gone by so quickly. I want to make myself believe that there is still so much left of life and I have a lot of time for it, but the real deal is that life passes by so quickly, in a blink of an eye, without you even noticing it.

If you decide to live your life looking back at all of those shameful moments where you just want to hide behind your mothers legs like you did when you were young, or worrying about how people see you and what they think about you, then it was you who made the decision of spending your life worrying about things that in the end, don’t matter. But the worst thing is when you are in the last phase of life, waiting for your last day, looking back at the life you had, and just regretting all of those things you didn’t do because of your self-esteem and regretting all of those playful moments in life that you didn’t have because you were so busy worrying about how you looked. You only have one chance in life, and in the time you have the opportunity to be in earth you need to enjoy it. Every minute. Every day. Every second. No matter what or who ruins it for you, because at the end it is your life, not theirs.

Writing this, I do regret all of those moments of misery, crying in my room at the edge of the bed because I am too fat, or too ugly, or I will never have a boyfriend, or no one listens to me when I need that one person just to tell me the right thing. Or those moments when I refused to wear a bikini at the beach because I was afraid that people will start criticizing me because of my body type. I have never been a skinny girl and I will never be one. I have to start living and working with what I have because it is what God gave me and it is the only thing I have, I can’t just buy a new body or a new hair or a new face. It’s just who I am. And I am starting to love myself more than ever, yes I still have my moments, but I have come to realize that this is what I have, and what I have been given, and I just can’t go around criticizing myself or looking for the minimum defects because the world will look at me the same way I look at myself. But I don’t regret all of those moments of joy and happiness I had before whether it is talking with my friends, laughing, getting compliments and just forgetting about the world. I am pretty sure that on that last day of my life, when I am looking back at my memories, I will thank myself for writing this and trying new things that I had never tried before, and changing the way I see myself inside and out.

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