Dear pool visitors,

I realize it is your day off to relax, however, if you're going to bring your children with you, I suggest you watch them instead of letting them roam the waters like wild piranhas. Yes, it is my job to keep an eye on them and make sure they do not drown. But, when they think their 5 feet 9 inches when their 4 feet tall and they go doggy paddling into the deep zone, I blame you.

Children, when I yell at you for running, that doesn't mean speed walk like a penguin until you get behind the slide and you're out of my sight. When you come around the other side sprinting to get up the stairs, I WILL YELL AGAIN. Which brings me to the water slide. When I say "Go ahead" you may go down the slide when the person in front of you has made it all the way down. It doesn't mean, stare at me and then just go when you feel like it because I haven't said anything yet. You will run into the other person and most likely one of you will get hurt. Did you know in 2006 there were 3,100 emergency room-treated injuries due to water slide accidents? I suggest listening to the lifeguard. Worst of all, "Go Ahead" is the only two words I say to everyone who comes up to the slide, so when I say it and you reply "WHAT?!" six times, I don't understand. Do you think I am speaking Lithuanian or are you losing your hearing at age 4? You are sitting at most a foot away from me, GO DOWN THE SLIDE.

Parents, No you may not go down the slide with your child. I'm sorry that your brat, who is too small to ride, will scream at you because they can't go down. It is clearly stated on the water slide rules "One at a time." And finally parents, no, you may not catch your kid at the bottom of the slide. The reason I am freezing my butt off in the catch pool is so that your little one doesn't drown! I am trained. It is my job to help them if their having trouble swimming. Quite frankly, if your child can't land in the 3 foot pool and get to the ladder they shouldn't be going down the slide! I don't want to hear your but-it-will-only-take-a-second excuses.

Old ladies, it's great that you're getting out of the house and getting a nice tan. But when it's 6:45pm and we are trying to close at 7 pm it would be awesome if you could go home now! The sun isn't strong enough to tan you at this point, and you have been laying there for 5 million hours. Now here I am watching an empty pool, praying that you will get up off that pool chair. It is now warped from you laying it in so long, and I want to get off my shift early. I don't know if you fell asleep or your heart stopped beating at this point. Although, I hope that it is beating because that would mean I would have to get the AED and save your life. All I am asking is if I can get off 15 minutes early because I have been baking in the sun for what feels like 6 million hours. A million more hours than yourself.

My job isn't that bad. I enjoy it most of the time, but if you people could just pull it together it would be a happier place for everyone.

Thanks so much,

Katie