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Holding On & Letting Go

Tristan,

I'm sitting here looking at a black piece of paper for what feels like years. And you may think I have nothing to say, but actually it's the complete oppposite. I have many things to say to you. I wish to spill my feeelings on this piece of paper. But when I try, the pen doesn't seem to want to write. Truth is, nothing could explain how much I miss you. In my mind, I'm replaying every beautiful memory we had before. In my heart, I still feel the sweet pleasure as I felt with you before. Your presence stays with me, even if you are gone. I really wish I could explain how I've been feeling without you, how I've been carrying on without my bestfriend, and how I recently changed into a better person. I want to tell you how happy I've been lately, but when I think about you, my smile fades. I suffocate myself in knowing that you will never get this letter. The Dead cannot read. But, Tristan, I wish to talk to you if even one more time. I wish you could see who I am now, I know you'd be proud. I just can't seem to explain myself when it comes to you. Your death makes me miserable. I try not to think about you, but the littlest things bring me back to you. People say "it's okay to think about him, it's okay to be sad" but really it's not.. it's not just sadness that comes when I think about you: it's misery. Nobody understands how important you were to me. Nobody understands the way it started and the brutal way it ended. Nobody knows what kind of person was found in that car. Nobody knows how perfect you are. It hurts to know we lost someone like you. Thinking about you, if even the sweet memories, makes me hate myself for letting you go. I never wanted you to go. That October night was the worst night of my existence, and with every tear I cry, I wish to take it all back. I can't though. I know what I said, and I never meant it.. Or maybe I did, and I only regret it because those were the last words I will ever get to say to you. With every pieece os my heart, I swear to you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about what I said. I was hurt. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I'm sorry I was young and dumb. You died with those words running through your mind and that's what bothers me most. I should've been there for you. I made you feel like you were nothing, when really you were and still are everything to me. I lost my bestfriend that October and that's something I could never forget. It's not my fault, I have to live with it. I wish you knew the beauty you brought into mine and many others' lives. You were an amazing person and in our minds, we still look at you when we're on the ground. Your smile would bring us up. Tristan, people die everyday. I have accepted that. We will never know why it has to happen to beautiful angels like you. You're not completely gone, you're still here. I feel it in my heart. In my dreams, you're always there, with your beautiful blonde hair and that amazing smile. Memories never fully go away and that's what keeps me holding on, not just to you but to myself. I tried so hard to hate you after you died, but I couldn't. I can't hate who made me. I can't hate who filled my heart with Summer fireflies , Winter snow, and happiness for everything. It took 4 years for me to find myself, and it was worth it. I love who I am, even if I hate to be myself without you. In my heart, I hold you in the deepest place. I will never let you go again. I will remain in your eyes. I found peace where misery once lived, I found my place in a dark hole, I found light. I found myself in you all over again. <3



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