Him, is all I call

March 9, 2012
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It will be three years coming summer and or school year, can’t really remember when, since I met him. Him who drove to this point of I can’t find it in me to forgive him even though I know I should. Instead, I keep it with me using it as a reminder.
We met through a pre-college program and my-oh-my did I fall head over heels for him. Well, not at first but I worked up to. At first glance I thought he was a jock and he really was but I got to know him and aside from being a jock he was kind, and funny, and honest, and there when I needed him and he flirted with me and all these others things that made me giddy on the inside.
He was friends with everyone, girls especially and I was jealous from time to time but in the end he was my friend and he always came back to me. Yes, I know it sounds sappier than that but it was true. No matter what girl there was he always came back. There were a lot of girls too, how do I know? Well he would stop talking to me when he had a girlfriend, and when he didn’t have one he would talk to me again. We spent most of our time arguing than being actual friends but we always made. More so, I always said I was sorry because it was ALWAYS MY FAULT.
This boy couldn’t say sorry if he tried and when he did it was hard to believe. Nothing was ever his fault, nothing was ever on him. It was always and I do mean always someone else’s fault.
So, the one time he did say sorry to me I couldn’t, more like I wouldn’t accept it. I found it very hard to believe.
This boy, I can’t even day man, did more to me than I will ever be able to put into words. I was always there for him, more than he was ever there for me. I was there through it all even when he hurt me on countless times. I WAS THERE.
Then there was that time, he told me, “I would never do that to you” ‘that’ being date one of my friends. Well, the bustard lied and he did just that. I called him out on it knowing something was sup when I came back from vacation and he had the balls to say ‘why would you say that’. I was furious. I will never forgive him for that. It wasn’t just then either; so many times he lied to me and hurt me.
I tried to play nice after awhile, but our relationship started slipping and I was done trying to repair and have what would never be. He knew how I felt and even then he ignored it and led me on to believe we could be something. It was all a lie, even more so it was all a joke and I blame myself for it all; for believing someone like him would ever- I don’t know what I expected of him.
What really broke the ice; made it all end for me. Made really want to never forgive him was this line:
“You can finally have your chance” he says.
Well it something close enough to that but I was shocked and stupidified and he had the balls to say “What you insulted by that?” Do I look and or sound like a cheap w****? He must have thought so to say that line to me; face to face or not it was still said. I was hurt and humiliated for so many reasons I replay it all everyday as a reminder and wondering why and how could he!
He tried to talk to me times after that and I tried, I honestly did try to talk back but his mannerisms just pissed me off too much and didn’t have the patience for it anymore. I ended the conversation with a ‘k’. I haven’t talked to him since and it feels good.
I loved him, or so I thought but In the end, it wouldn’t have worked and sad to say I thought about saying yes but I was not going to throw myself into hole of sadness and ups and downs again. I wouldn’t do it and I am glad I didn’t. I think about him and I wonder, what took so long to stop being in his endless circle of tyranny.
If I were to see him today, I know for a fact I would be enraged and cry and ask him ‘why’, but I know I wouldn’t get the answer I wanted. He is not to blame, not fully; I am to blame as well, for letting my feelings lead me down a path I knew wouldn’t go anywhere. I am to blame for letting myself fall prey.
I’ve forgiven myself and I have learned but the memory is there and I will never forget nor forgive.

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