I started wearing the bracelet again, the one that I can't remember why I ever stopped. It is made of such a simple word but an unbelievably hard concept. For a while now I haven't been able to "connect" with anything or anyone. I guess I thought putting this bracelet on would help, it didn't. It's like the cross necklace that doesn't make me a better Christian or the bracelet of his I used to wear that obviously didn't make me right for him. Lately, instead of being able to connect with people I've been noticing the reasons why I can't. I don't know anybody, not really. And nobody knows me, not entirely. How can they if I don't? The ones who know the most only know a part of my past. The things that I've done that I'm not proud of, that I can't take back. When I first got this bracelet I was so strong. My past I used as an example. An example that led to a promise. My backtracking has made me break that promise. In turn it broke my heart. Maybe that why I can keep this facade up now, the heart I gave him to break wasn't whole to begin with. I might still have a beating piece. And what he had I don't even know if you broke or healed. I mean, I did love him. He will always be the first guy I did. But now that he's gone and all of the lies are over I feel stronger. Maybe I knew all along that things were going to end, I knew they weren't going to last. We aren't on the same page and don't want the same things in life. He wants to go to Amsterdam where it is legal for him to get baked. I want to go study linguistics in Peru and bring a foreign nation to Christ. There's not much call for that, though, I'm told. There doesn't need to be much call, I'm called. I want to be able to live life in a way that I'm proud of what I do and it doesn't matter what I did before now. I want to end it now. All of the lying and the cheating and the pain. All of these things that go unnoticed by the people of this world. I used to say that the world didn't need to know the truth. Now I know that it really doesn't matter to me if they embrace the truth or not, as longs as I proclaim it. In the end, the lies, the cheating, the scars inflicted by myself or others, whether they are physical or not, they will all dissolve and truth will be what's left. That's what I want now, truth to be what my life is made of. And want a hint? Truth doesn't come in the form of a boy who lies and claims he loves me. Or in the friends that don't know the real me or care to try. Or in the razor or condescending word that changes my perspective and view of myself. It is in the One who saved me from darkness who I will live for.
March 7, 2012