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What I Live By, Day After Day
I still remember what I felt that night. The anger, the hurt, the betrayal...the sadness. It was like a tornado of emotions, so sudden; it all hit at once.
I was reading a book for school when I had heard the news. I remember sitting on the suede couch in the living room, my feet propped up on a pillow. The TV hummed in the background as I was absorbed in the story. I heard my mom whispering into the phone; even though I was so captivated in my story I caught a couple of her responses;
"When is it...wait, why New York first?"
"Alright, I m gonna go tell em now."
I stuck my nose straight into my book when her phone snapped shut. I felt her silent footsteps come towards me; I kept my head down so she wouldn't be too suspicious. She used to always say, "Your just like your grandmother, so nosy!" I snickered at the memory just as she rested her hand on my shoulder;
I looked up from my book with confusion gracing my face, "Yeah mom...?" She walked in with a mask of sadness on her face; I could tell that something was wrong. I quickly turned off the TV and looked at her worriedly, "Mommy is something wrong?"
I watched as she swallowed and she shook her head slowly, "Uh...yeah...so-something...something happened."
I was shocked that she had actually stuttered; my mom never stuttered.
"What is it?"
She sighed and squeezed my shoulder, "You remember a couple days ago...when I told you about your grandpa in the hospital and what not?"
I nodded, "Yeah..."
She squeezed her eyes shut for a minute and said the words that instantly made my heart sink, "Well he...he didn t make it...he's gone Kay..."
I sat there silently for a minute as tears filled my eyes. I couldn t believe it...I just couldn t...I turned to my mom and asked her emotionless, "When's the funeral?"
I could tell she was taken aback by the blunt question but at that moment, I could honestly care less, "It's in a couple of days. The funeral itself is in Philly, but we're driving there from New York."
I nodded my head and turned towards the light coming from my bedroom, "You know you're gonna have to tell Tanisha right...?"
I watched her walk towards my room and I turned back towards the TV; I didn t turn it on though, I just needed something to look at. I could hear my moms hushed voice and Tanisha s loud one conflicting through the walls of the apartment. The last thing I remember before I jumped up and raced to my room was a loud thud echoing through practically the entire apartment building.
The books were scattered all over the room; I could feel the floorboards still shaking under my socked feet. Tanisha stood shaking in the middle of the mess as my mom tried to comfort her. I stood in the doorway watching; I watched as the waterfall of tears fell from her eyes soaking my mom's shirt.
"It's ok Tanisha, it s ok. Calm down..." Her words didn t help though, they made things worse.
"No...! It's not fair...! Everyone I love is gone...!"
As she continued sobbing I replayed her words in my head, "No...! It's not fair...! Everyone I love is gone...!"
One silent tear rolled down my cheek as I heard my mom say, "Not everyone Tanisha, you've got us."
Even though Tanisha was right in a sense, so was my mom. Tanisha had us...we had each other. I walked towards them and gently grabbed her arm, "That's right Tanisha, you have us."
We stood there in the middle of my room, all wrapped up in a group hug. Our conflicting cries meshed together into one agonizing sound. As I stood between the two of them, my once racing mind slowed down until all my thoughts were non-existent. I smiled slightly as I unwrapped my arms from around them. We continued to stand there for a moment, just looking at each other. My mom looked back and forth between us and patted Tanisha's shoulder,
"Well...this is gonna be a hard thing to process so...you two should get some sleep."
We both nodded and got ready for bed, both of us moving like zombies. Before laying down for the night I went to say goodnight to my mom.
"Mom...?" I called into the hallway. She came out in her nightshirt and shorts, "Yes Kay...?"
She smiled and kissed my forehead, "Night Kay; sleep tight."
I laid on top of my bunk bed, just staring at the ceiling. As I stared my mind wandered to some memories from my past. The more I let my mind wander, the more painful emotions I felt. Tears began to flow down my cheeks, even with my eyes tightly shut. As I began to fall asleep a revelation came to me. I would never forget it, and I live by it every day-
Something...Anything...can make you feel sad, angry, depressed, or anxious; but no matter what, you have to stay strong throughout it all.