Anger races through my veins as I scrunch up my face and try to stop the hot flow of tears that are sliding down my face. I sigh as I realize that it is useless and just let the tears flow. I look down at my phone and bite my lip. My eyes fill again and I curl up on my bed, letting the cold air numb me. I wish it could numb my overwhelmed brain or tormented soul, but all it can do is numb my exposed skin. My breathing starts to quicken and I close my eyes and wish that I could scream from pain. My lungs breathe in a huge gulp of air and stop. For what feels like forever, even though it is only a minute, my lungs forget what to do and I can’t get any air. Finally my brain takes over and I gulp in air too quickly. My breaths are quick and thin, not helping me to get any air and I wish I could scream. The tears pour down my too thin cheeks and I hug my arms around my legs. I feel the familiar feeling of falling backwards and my hand rushes to my mouth. I spread my thumb and forefinger apart and bite down hard. My braces cut into the tender skin and I relax as the darkness fades. I taste the irony taste of blood and grimace, but keep my hand where it is. I count to ten, my breaths still coming way to fast. Then it happens again, my lungs stop and I can’t breathe. This time its longer, I count in my head all the way to one hundred and thirty two before my brain takes over and forces my lungs to work again. I suck in air as the blackness starts to cloud my vision. The tears flow, hate anger love hurt pain, and they pour down my hollow pale cheeks as I bite down on my hand once again. I taste blood and saltwater on my tongue. I let out a whimper of pain, but it does the trick and the black disappears from my vision. I start to sob, my breath coming in hiccups as I clutch my hand. I will myself to be anywhere but here, anyone but me. I can’t take my own mind anymore.
February 21, 2012