Drowning Butterflies

January 29, 2012
By Anonymous

I thought that it would be just another ordinary day of sitting with Taylor at lunch and passing her in the hallway. But it wasn’t. What even is an “ordinary day” anyway? I liked Taylor, but I wasn’t sure if she liked me. I had a passion to ask her out, but I was too shy and nervous. I’m always shy and nervous, procrastinating everything until the very last minute or until time catches up. I couldn’t stand the thought of her being with any other person than me. So jealous. So selfish of me to think that I could actually be with her. She was so perfect, and I’m just...me.

“Taylor wants to ask you something.” Miranda said.

I already thought I knew what she wanted to ask me, but I wasn’t quite sure.

After putting my books into my locker, I slowly walked up to Taylor. I was feeling self-conscious and wondering what she wanted to ask me. Would it be something good, or something bad? Would I have an answer? “What?” I said with a smile on my face. I could feel my cheeks burning bright red. I tried to catch the butterflies to stop them from fluttering, but they continued without warning.

“Will you go out with me?” she asked. I practically “eep”ed on the inside with excitement. I noticed that I was smiling big and I could feel my dimples showing, so I tried to calm down. I was still so excited though, like a child receiving candy, I was so hyper. From all the times that I’ve wished that Taylor was mine and I was hers, and it was finally happening. Like a dream come true. If I said yes, the relationship would end shortly after. But if I said no, then I would have disappointed myself and Taylor. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. My life was about to change with that question, and my answer.

“Yes,” I replied, smiling slightly looking into her eyes. Why did she have to do this to me, the butterflies, her beauty? Why? WHY? I said yes. I actually said yes. But I didn’t realize then, that I was risking my whole friendship with her. I was too caught up in the moment, too starry-eyed.

The “drug free” ribbons that we received from our teachers were no longer just ribbons. At lunch one day, Taylor and I sat real close together, our thighs were almost touching. I felt ecstatic. Taylor decided to lick the ribbon, then she handed it to me. Well, I was certainly surprised. What did I do? I licked it, in the exact same spot as she did. She said that she was biting her lip, so it tasted a little of her blood. So salty, a kind of bitter. So yummy. It was a part of her, and I loved it. I loved her crimson blood, dried, warm, and salty on the damp ribbon, it felt as if she was becoming a part of me. She was. She was my everything. She was my heart and soul. My life. If she didn’t, it sure felt like she consumed my heart.

About three weeks later, she stopped talking to me and I still don’t know why. We’ve been friends since fifth grade and I’ve known her since elementary school. I didn’t want to lose our friendship, but I didn’t think that I was ready to talk to her about the problem yet . I thought she didn’t want to talk to me, so I respected that and I didn’t talk to her either.

She broke up with me and I was almost crying, but I pulled it together. It was at the end of the school day, so I was able to go home and practically drown myself in my own tears. And wonder what I did wrong.

Then for a while, I was in one of my “I don’t care about anything” moods. I have a lot of those moods. I do things then I regret them when in this “mood”. I only have about three actual emotions: sadness, happiness, and confusion. I always try to write, draw or occupy myself in some way to forget about it. About her.

I thought I loved her. I guess not, because I’m fine without her. Why should I care if she doesn’t? Exactly. I shouldn’t.

This whole situation reminds me of lyrics from “Lost In You” by Three Days Grace: “You tried to lie and say I was everything, I remember I said I’m nothing without you.” Taylor means nothing to me now, not even as a friend. She hates me, I hate her. It’s even. I know it’s my fault; for liking Taylor, for pretending that I loved her when I obviously didn’t.

Now she has a knew girlfriend, I hope Taylor breaks her heart, too. It felt as if my heart was shattering into tiny shards of glass. Too broken for anyone to fix. Her girlfriend should have to go through the same thing, so I’m not alone. Shouldn’t at least I be a little supportive, after the butterflies she gave me when she asked me The Question? No, those butterflies were gone. She captured my heart. There was nothing left of me, only a lifeless body. Taylor stole my heart, and kept it, saved it, in her jar of hearts. Only thing was, it’s not a jar of ‘hearts’, it’s a jar of heart. My heart, and was still in it. No one else’s is. It was kept there to be revived, but she never returned it. Now I’m left heartless. I realized that I shouldn’t take things, or people, for granted and that I should realize what my feelings are, and why I'm having them...before I confuse myself. I need to listen to my heart.

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