Needed To Let It Out

By , Flanders, NJ
I'm adrenaline.earthquake to you all.
I'm A to friends and family.
I'm 'emo' to some.
I'm a weird, crazy, fun person to a lot.
But here, is where I tell you who I really am.

See, it all started probably in 5th grade. It was a tough year, the last year in elementary school, where I was on top because I was one of the oldest. It was really pretty awesome; you could tell the littler kids what to do, how to do it. Completely take charge, make new friends, enemies. There was a lot to experience that year, but I don't think everyone knew what I went through then.

I was (and still slightly am) a chubby kid, not obese, but I carried a couple extra pounds that never hurt me or anybody. Nobody made fun of me, that I knew of, I was actually friends with most of the 5th grade wing, since there was only about 5 rooms with around 20-30 kids each. I had decided since I was in those double digits (which was a total 'WHOA' moment for any 4th grader that moved into 5th grade), I was going to get a formspring and facebook. Innocent enough, I supposed. I started off fine, friends with all my family on facebook, and was just being, well, a kid. On formspring I'd follow my friends and answer those innocent questions. They got weirder, nastier the more I'd go on... "Why do you like ___? They don't even like you! haha". Or the occasional, "Nobody likes you, why do you even go on here?" Even, "You're soo gross! Gtfoo lol fatty." It was all anonymous. I couldn't do anything about it but either reply or delete the question. On facebook, I had posted a picture. My friends said it was pretty, that my hair looked nice, I got a few 'likes'. I felt nice that they cared, or seemed to at least. They took time out of their day to compliment me. Except for this one girl. She would tell me to stop posting pictures, that everybody was lying to me... Every day there was something new to hear. After going on formspring still, it all kept going down hill. I felt disgusted with myself. I hated the way I looked, the way I was, just everything about myself from those rude comments and opinions. And soon enough, though nobody but I knew about it, I began to cut myself.

It was never deep, if you must know. Just enough that it DID leave a mark. Mind you it was around winter, so I always had on a sweatshirt of a sweater. My parents had no idea, my friends didn't, not my brothers or my sister... I hid it very well, even when the scars were in plain sight. Eventually, in the emotional state I was in, my brother had seen these posts on formspring...I talked about cutting myself on there, how these people drove me to do it... Soon enough he convinced me out of it, but that one girl was still harassing me on facebook. I found it somewhat idiotic of her, to continue doing this when my friends were backing me up. I got my sister and my mom involved, and soon this stopped too.
Sixth grade was a little bit better. I had my depressed side, sometimes... It would come out at the most awkward of times, but nobody seemed to care. I still had the worst self esteem, still had a terrible misconception of what it was to be beautiful, or wanted. I never understood why I was so upset, but I got into cutting again, and I would constantly get into fights with friends. It was a pretty terrible year, over all, but the transition into 7th grade was much smoother.

As I'm 13 now, I suppose I'm just starting to get the feel for how life works, as melodramatic as it sounds. Boys are still complicated, friends can be just as shifty as ever, but I feel that now, I'm settling. September, 2011, when I first had started out in 7th grade, it was tough. I still felt very insecure, and was much too worried about my looks. Especially my teeth! They were horrid, a complete mess. I couldn't stand to look at them, and constantly smiled with my mouth closed. I wouldn't talk, if I could help it (thank you, palate expander...). And I moved forward into November. I got braces, felt very awkward about it at first, since my teeth were a scraggly mess. But after about a month they got MUCH straighter, and I gained the confidence to be my wild, crazy, talkative self again. And then my 13th birthday came on the 12th of December, which was, to say the least, interesting. My friend had actually made my carton of milk EXPLODE on me, but that's a different story.

Continuing into January, I had began to like a few boys, only 1 or two at the time, though I was mostly fixed on one, and still somewhat am. Anyways, combining Jan. and February now, I'm still so very self conscious about my weight, how I look... I'm not sure what I'd do without make-up, god forbid I went to school without it. I look like a tired mess, or so I tell myself. I can't stand this horrid mess I call my body. Lately, I still try to fast, or cut down on food as much as I can, and I've even tried to purge, all which have failed. I suppose it's a way of saying I should stop, but I still feel the need to just get rid of all this nastiness that I feel about myself.

I'm constantly referred to as the advice giver, and have been given this title since around 4th grade. I would, and still do, help my friends with their issues and their boyfriends. I've never even had one myself, but yet, somehow still manage to give them fantastic advice that works out for the best. Not sure why I can't talk my own advice, liking 2 boys at the moment myself. Again, another story that I won't bother boring you with.

I am still referred to as emo, still made fun of, whether I hear it or not, and still am not sure exactly what to do with myself right now, but for now, I'm trying to follow my heart. Maybe sometime I'll listen to the advice I give others. It's about time I believe I'm beautiful and worth it. I don't think I'll ever stoop down to cutting again, though, because just remembering my past sickens me to no end. I have so many new, wonderful friends that now appreciate me for who I am, find me funny, and beautiful, and a nice, fun person to be with. And I hope that I can continue making others happy so that one day, I might be completely happy with myself.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this, if you did.

(TL;DR version... I was very depressed, at some points in my life. But now I realize how naive I was, and can find the beauty in myself, somewhat.)

Bacon and kittens...
adrenaline.earthquake





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adrenaline.earthquake said...
Feb. 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm
I was the one who wrote this. Not sure why it says anonymous. But, I hope you will all read this and know what it was like to take even a step in my shoes.
 
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