What can I do to make you happy?

January 26, 2012
No one has the perfect family or the perfect life. Life would be too easy if that was the case. Everyone has that one moment in their life that changes how they see the world, themselves, and everyone else.
My parents were divorced when I was about 2 years old. I was obviously too young to understand, but as I get older, the more my heart aches with pain. Sometimes I think it’s my fault for their divorce. I and my father’s relationship hasn’t always been the best. If we are lucky we will maybe see him every other weekend. I’ve seen the best and worst in my dad.
It was one morning like any other, around last year. My mom, sister, and I were on are way to our aunts house. My dad and I probably hadn’t spoken for around 5 months. As I look at my phone chills go through my body. As if I’m being electrocuted by a lightning bolt. It would have been easier to just not answer and ignore the call, but it would only make things worse. Then I answered slowly with caution, making sure my voice didn’t crack with sadness. His voice became stern and unloving. My hands started to shake more than they have ever before. My eyes started to water, tears shielded my eyes to the point where everything was a blur. He’s yelled at me before, just never like this. The conversation only lasted about 5 minutes. It felt never ending, as if it took years. Throughout all the yelling, screaming, and anger, there’s only one thing I heard. Something that changed the way I see the world, myself, and my dad. As these heart wrenching words left his hurtful lips, I didn’t know what to do. “You want me to only tell my friends that I only have 2 sons?” I felt like I was hit with a thousand semi-trucks.
A waterfall of tears left my eyes. They drained by liters then gallons of sadness. My lips became drenched with salty, unwanted tears. I cried to the point where I couldn’t stop. To the point where I couldn’t think or breathe, except hear those words replay in my head. I finally got the courage to hang up on him. All I could do was sit there, only cry and not talk to anyone. Wipe my face of all the tears that dripped slowly down my face, with dry tear streaks coming down my eye lid to my chin.
Nothing has ever affected me like this did. I felt unwanted, useless, a burden to everyone. As if I wasn’t good enough to be alive. As of now I can never look at my dad the same. I will never be able to trust anyone, or get close to someone because I’ll always be afraid of not being good enough for them. I look at it as a good thing, I won’t have to count on anybody. I’ll be able to stand on my own.

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