My Pain, My Love

February 12, 2012
“A winter's day, in a deep and dark December; I am alone, gazing from my window to the streets below on a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.”
I love the works of Paul Simon. In fact, Simon and Garfunkel is one of my favorite bands. I can relate to a lot of their music, mostly in my beliefs and views of the world. In fact, I did used to be like what the song “I am a Rock” describes. Before you, this was all I ever wanted to be. Well, I'm not going to lie, but most of the time, I wish I was still like this. With my depression......sometimes the pain comes in waves, and overpowers me, for no reason at all. I don't know why, but it happens. And the pain that comes with loving you.....sometimes I wish I could just stop it. I wish I could stop feeling, and put my walls back up.
“I've built walls, a fortress deep and mighty, that none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.”
I had the walls, before I loved you, but you took them down. I still somewhat had them, to protect me against other people, but they are almost gone now. I lived for my poetry and once it got out of my system, it didn't go back in. When I said yes to you....well, I don't really know what I was thinking. I was thinking that I wanted to be with you because you made me feel something that I hadn't felt in a long time. You made me feel affection. You made me feel wanted. You made me feel….beautiful.
“Don't talk of love, but I've heard the words before; It's sleeping in my memory. I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.”
Unfortunately, I forgot that affection comes with a price. And that price is pain, and it becomes worse when the affection turns into love. Loving you is painful, more painful than I've told you, because of the fact that I no longer have walls to protect me. And I need those walls. Honestly, I never wanted to love again, and when I realized the first time that I loved you, it scared me to death. It still somewhat scares me. I'm afraid of being hurt, like I always have.
“I have my books and my poetry to protect me; I am shielded in my armor, hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.”
Since I don't have the walls to protect me anymore, I have to place my trust in you that you will protect me, and that scares me even more than love. I don't like the fact that anyone has that much power to hurt me if they wanted. You are the only person with that power, the power to get under my skin. I know that you said that you would never do this and that you love me too much to even think about hurting me, and I believe you. Really, I do. It's just that I still have some doubt, because I've heard those words before, so it's hard to move past it. The reason it's still painful after so many months is because when I put the walls in place, I never learned to move past it. I just blocked it out. I blocked everything out. Now that the walls are gone, all of it is finally surfacing, which is why it seems like I have so many problems. It's because I never took care of anything. I just blocked it all. And now you have to deal with it. As I have said before, this song didn't just used to describe me, it still kind of does. I wish I had those walls. I wish I never had to feel anything, because even though the love and the friendship are wonderful, I don't know if it is worth going through the pain for.
“And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.”
Don't take what I am saying the wrong way, though. I do not regret loving you. You are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I have no doubt that I would still be an empty shell if I had not chosen with you. Even though the walls are gone, and I have so much pain now, you are here, holding my hand, helping me through it, and catching my falls. Just you putting up with me is an amazing thing. You don't realize just how strong of a person you are for just doing that, for putting up with me. I know it is a hard thing to do, but you do it, and that makes you very strong. And I love you for it. I don't know where I would have ended up if it had not been for you. I have no doubt that the walls would have crumbled eventually anyway, except, without you, I would have had no one to turn to, and I would be a mess. You know that I have thoughts sometimes of.....well, of doing away with myself. You know that I hurt myself. Without you, they wouldn't be thoughts. If it hadn't been for you, I would be doing it. But you are here, and you are helping me, and loving me, and it's amazing. You tell me things that I never dared to believe before. You tell me I'm wonderful, you tell me I'm beautiful, you tell me that I'm worth loving. I never wanted to believe it. But I am starting to let myself believe, because you never gave up on me. You never let me go. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but you are helping me.
You took my tears,
You took my pain.
Away from you
I’ll never stray.
I love you, and I always will.

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