I don't think you know, but being pregnant in your last year of high school, and 18 is really complicated. Going through all these different changes with your body, and getting all emotional, not knowing what to do or being scared, because you think you’re not going to graduate high school. It sucks!! Big time. For me I feel its even worse, my mom hates the fact that I'm having a baby at 18, she even tells me all the time she's not going to help me. She yells at me for wanting her help and tells me when she was 17 she had her own place, a job and she did things on her own with out her parents. She yells at me for having a boyfriend, I just think she doesn't want to see me happy. Which is very sad, I try my best to do everything I can, I’ve tried to get a job, but who wants to hire a pregnant chick. Everyday I think about how I’m going to support my baby, everyday I say to myself I’m a f-up, when I know I should think positive. I’m scared, all I wanted to do was be a “normal” teenager and hang out with friends, have a boyfriend, go to parties, do things I’m not old enough to be doing. But, who says its normal to be “normal”. You know everyone has there ups and downs, their mess ups, their I wish I could go backs you know what I’m saying. I know if I put my mind to it I will succeed, if I try harder then I’m already trying I know I will graduate. All I want to do is make my mom happy, I do a lot of things for her. I want to go to a school online so I can better myself, so I may have a better life for my child and have money to buy him what he will need/want, but no my mom doesn't want me to. So I do what she wants and stay at a regular high school, even though I hear her complain about me messing up in school or getting F's, but she can’t help me when I need it she doesn't know what I’m doing or even how to do it. When I ask for help, no one listens, I feel like I’m this super tiny person trying to talk to over sized giants. I don’t like to feel sad, hopeless, worthless, but believe it or not I do sometimes. I think all the time about whats in my belly, but also how hard its going to be doing it on my own. I cry sometimes for hours, not because I’m sad, but because i feel worthless. I am just one messed up little girl who grew up to fast/wanted to grow up already, and just look where that got me. But you know what? I don’t even have it hard, I think I have it so bad, but I don’t. I know people who have it worse, so I’m glad I have a mom, a house to live in, a bed to sleep in, a phone to talk and text on and a family to be loved by. But most of all, a baby boy on his way to bless my life with wonders, joy, and adventures.
January 18, 2012