You, Me, and Her.

January 15, 2012
There was you and me.
We had been together for seven months. You were my first boyfriend. I wasn’t your first girlfriend, but I like to think we were each other’s first love. At least, we were each other’s first kiss. I still remember it clearly. It was the day after my birthday. It was awkward, it was scary, and it was perfect. And that’s never going to change.
We were comfortable.
We were young and the summer went by. I missed you. I missed us. We texted every day but we never got to be together. I was away for a little while, you were away for a little while. But even those few moments we were both home, you always ended up cancelling our dates. I missed you. I was paranoid.
There was her.
She was one of my best friends and one of the people I trusted the most. I was young and naive and I asked her for advice. She told me that you had flirted with another girl behind the bushes at your party when I was away. She said that the girl might have taken her shirt off but she wasn’t sure. She said you had insulted me behind my back several times.
I was numb.
I was hurt and I was paranoid. I automatically believed her without even considering talking to you. I knew you would just deny it and I didn’t want to hear any more of your “lies.” Instead, I broke up with you as soon as I was alone. You wouldn’t meet me and I was sick of you rejecting seeing me in person. I called you and broke up with you over the phone after ranting. Then I hung up.
I know you tried.
You called me back and texted me a million times each. But I wouldn’t answer. I felt numb and empowered.
I didn’t cry that first night, but the next day and for a year afterwards I wouldn’t stop.
That year was rough. My friends tried to support me. She was friends with you still but she said horrible things about you all the time. I thought it was to make me feel better but thinking about you only made me feel worse. I thought about you constantly. We talked on and off, friends for a little while but then suddenly fighting and silent treatments for months. Then we would talk and start all over. It was so painful.
The fall passed. The winter came and left. I could’ve had another boyfriend but I couldn’t let myself fall for another boy the way I had fallen for you. I cried and cried. You sent me an instant message and told me you’d always love me. I guess I took it the wrong way. I thought you meant it.
The spring travelled by. Finally I had to see you at a party. I couldn’t look into your eyes.
The night after the party you texted me. I remember wishing you would. I thought it was fate that you did. Maybe you missed me too. We talked all summer.
Then she and I hung out again. I hadn’t seen her in a while. I missed her. She wanted to talk in private. She asked if it were okay if maybe someday she and you could get together. I thought I was over you. I was crushing on another guy. I said yes. I didn’t mean it but I wanted to mean it, so I told her it was great. I trusted her. I told you to go for it. It meant a lot to you. You mean a lot to me.
I found out at a party from another friend days that you had been with her for months and I was the last to know. The real friend thought I knew. She had lied to me. She wasn’t a friend.
I went home that night and I cried all night. I cracked and lost control. In my pain I did something awful. I told you the truth, that if I hadn’t trusted her blindly, I wouldn’t have broken up with you. In some ways I regret it. I hurt you but you deserved to know the truth. You were shocked. You were hurt. You thought she came to you when I hurt you, but she used me. I was blind. I was naïve. She lied to you and said your best friend had told me what she told me. That ended both your friendship with me and your best friend. And now you know the truth.
You stayed in the relationship with her but you were hurt. She continued to lie to you. You became insecure. You became hurt. But you love her.
You’ve been with her for a long time. You and I are friends. But I can’t trust her. She hurt me too much.
One day I woke up. I had been crying for a year and a half. I was tired of crying. I was tired of being upset. I had said in the past I had moved on but I guess I never really did. Maybe I never completely will. Maybe she has you now. But some things will never change.
I have your first kiss. And now you think of me when you kiss her because of the techniques we figured out together.
You were my first love. You were my first kiss. And even though it hasn’t happened since, I know you won’t be my last. I haven’t cried over you since.

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