It is silly to hope for your loved one to return. Once they are gone they are gone forever. No one can love you like they do. They held you in their womb for nine whole months. They never ever let go of you, they held onto you. They were always there for you, talking to you. Laughing with you. Being with you. You sat there as close as you could ever be to her, yet you still nestled closer when you heard her soothing voice. The reassuring sound always will calm you- only if you could still hear it. She is gone now. She held you for months then left you. Alone and afraid. Crying out for her you are betrayed. You will never see her again, but you hope you will one day. She claims she did it for you. But did she really? She isn’t your mom- but she is your mother. She gave you away knowing someone might be able to love you as much as she loves you. Lie. No one can love you as much as a mother loves her child. Not even the replacement parents will be able to love you that much. They claim they do, but they don’t. They can’t. It just isn’t possible. You sit crying at night wondering hoping praying she is too. You sit there alone still halfway around the world. Alienated from your home. You wonder what she looks like; you cautiously look into the mirror and ponder what parts of you look like her. What parts of you look like him? You wonder where they are today. Where they sit. What they do. If they ever loved you. Love is such an overused word you start asking yourself if you were hated. You think you were unwanted. You might just be. You wonder how old they are. Are they dead? Are they alive? If they want to ever see your face again. You know you would die to see theirs just once more. But then again what about your replacement families. How will they agree to such things? But that is all you want. Something that is rightfully yours, but has been taken away forever. You start thinking if she left you in all your past lives. If you are destined to be motherless. Fatherless. Sisterless. Brotherless. That brings more into your mind. How did your father fit in? Do you have siblings? You are still brought back to our mother, not your mom but you mother. You mother is the one who brought you into this world, gave you your personality, gave you, you. Your mom raised you fed you and “loved” you. A lucky bunch are raised with both mother and mom as one, while some unfortunate ones was raised with two separate ones. You still sit on your bed crying out regrets of living. What is the point of living without you mother. Your family. Family has never been quite important until you lost it. You finally come to a conclusion. Adoption will never be on your list, you believe it should be illegal. You don’t care “what was best for you”, you care about one thing: your mother. You see your friends with their mothers, they complain about them. You just stand there wishing you had one. But you don’t .You are motherless.
January 15, 2012