Who am I? This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

January 15, 2012
By , Bucyrus, OH
Who am I?
Good question …
I am a liar.

I am a fake.

I am imperfect.

I'm a liar. I lied when people asked me how my home life was when we didn't have running water and I had to wash dishes with boiled snow. I lied to the cops when they asked me if my mother dealt drugs. I lied to my father when he asked me if I was happy here and doing okay. I am such a liar. I lied to my mother when she asked me if anyone had physically hurt me. I've lied to churches when they asked me if I'm a believer. I have lied to almost everyone around me.

I'm a fake. I faked being strong when my cousin died and my mother went into a psychiatric hospital. I fake emotions almost every day so people won't know I come from such a broken home. I faked a smile when my mother told me she was sorry and that she loved me. I faked not knowing she was an addict. I faked my address so people wouldn't know I stayed in my car. I have faked so much I don't know how to be real. I couldn't cry when my best friend died, no matter how much I tried. I fake so much it is becoming real.

I'm imperfect. I am far from perfect. I have low self-esteem. I'm overweight. I have acne and a dull personality. I have a broken family full of suicides, overdoses, depression, divorce, and false hope.

I am broke. I've worked since I was 16, I pay my own rent, my own bills. I have no extra money. I don't know how I will pay for college. Perfection is something I dream to achieve. Perfection is ideal, but is it even real?

I am determined.

I am thoughtful.

I am independent.

I'm determined. I have done everything I can in order to graduate. I have kept my grades up, even when I had to work 40-hour weeks to make the rent and pay bills. I went to school even when I didn't have electricity, water, or transportation. I scheduled my ACT, picked out a college, and am working hard to get financial aid. My mother may be a lot of things, but she implanted college into my head when I was little. She did it so well I have never thought of not going. I thank her for that. I am determined to do everything I possibly can to succeed.

I'm thoughtful. I gave my mother money when I couldn't afford to. I lied to keep her out of jail, even though it was only a matter of time before my lies could no longer save her. I told her that she was a good mother to get her through her hard times and make her feel better. I gave my brother half of my groceries because he spent all his money on heroin. I babysat my niece so my brother and sister-in-law could get high.

I tell all of them they are great despite their flaws. I tell them that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and that I forgive them, because my opinion means a lot to them. I tell them what they want to hear to try and get them through. I am pretty damn thoughtful.

I'm independent. When I was 15 I babysat for money to help my mother pay the bills after she lost her good job at a factory when it shut down. We went from riches to rags really quickly. I bought my school clothes and supplies with my own hard-earned money.

My sixteenth birthday present was a job. When my mother went to jail, I got her an attorney and I kept house until she got out. When we lost our apartment, I never asked for help. She stayed with her boyfriend and I lived with friends and in my car.

Now, I am 17. I rent my own
place, pay my own bills, have my
own car, and buy my own stuff. I am independent.

I am a liar, a fake, and imperfect.

I am determined, thoughtful, and independent.

A lot of things happened, words were said, feeling were shredded, but that's how I became who I am.

I would change some things, but mostly I'm proud of who I am and I couldn't have achieved it without my past.

Why run from it when you can learn from it?

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

beautifulspirit This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 4, 2012 at 4:30 pm
You are a BRAVE & COURAGEOUS young woman! This is very well written!
BrilliantInnocence said...
Feb. 1, 2012 at 7:11 pm
That is extremely powerful, and very well written! You are a tough kid, and have worked super hard and you have a talent that you are thankfully not putting to waste! Keep it up!
LaceeJade This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Feb. 1, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Thanks So Much:)
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