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Who am I? MAG
Who am I?
Good question …
I am a liar.
I am a fake.
I am imperfect.
I'm a liar. I lied when people asked me how my home life was when we didn't have running water and I had to wash dishes with boiled snow. I lied to the cops when they asked me if my mother dealt drugs. I lied to my father when he asked me if I was happy here and doing okay. I am such a liar. I lied to my mother when she asked me if anyone had physically hurt me. I've lied to churches when they asked me if I'm a believer. I have lied to almost everyone around me.
I'm a fake. I faked being strong when my cousin died and my mother went into a psychiatric hospital. I fake emotions almost every day so people won't know I come from such a broken home. I faked a smile when my mother told me she was sorry and that she loved me. I faked not knowing she was an addict. I faked my address so people wouldn't know I stayed in my car. I have faked so much I don't know how to be real. I couldn't cry when my best friend died, no matter how much I tried. I fake so much it is becoming real.
I'm imperfect. I am far from perfect. I have low self-esteem. I'm overweight. I have acne and a dull personality. I have a broken family full of suicides, overdoses, depression, divorce, and false hope.
I am broke. I've worked since I was 16, I pay my own rent, my own bills. I have no extra money. I don't know how I will pay for college. Perfection is something I dream to achieve. Perfection is ideal, but is it even real?
I am determined.
I am thoughtful.
I am independent.
I'm determined. I have done everything I can in order to graduate. I have kept my grades up, even when I had to work 40-hour weeks to make the rent and pay bills. I went to school even when I didn't have electricity, water, or transportation. I scheduled my ACT, picked out a college, and am working hard to get financial aid. My mother may be a lot of things, but she implanted college into my head when I was little. She did it so well I have never thought of not going. I thank her for that. I am determined to do everything I possibly can to succeed.
I'm thoughtful. I gave my mother money when I couldn't afford to. I lied to keep her out of jail, even though it was only a matter of time before my lies could no longer save her. I told her that she was a good mother to get her through her hard times and make her feel better. I gave my brother half of my groceries because he spent all his money on heroin. I babysat my niece so my brother and sister-in-law could get high.
I tell all of them they are great despite their flaws. I tell them that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and that I forgive them, because my opinion means a lot to them. I tell them what they want to hear to try and get them through. I am pretty damn thoughtful.
I'm independent. When I was 15 I babysat for money to help my mother pay the bills after she lost her good job at a factory when it shut down. We went from riches to rags really quickly. I bought my school clothes and supplies with my own hard-earned money.
My sixteenth birthday present was a job. When my mother went to jail, I got her an attorney and I kept house until she got out. When we lost our apartment, I never asked for help. She stayed with her boyfriend and I lived with friends and in my car.
Now, I am 17. I rent my own
place, pay my own bills, have my
own car, and buy my own stuff. I am independent.
I am a liar, a fake, and imperfect.
I am determined, thoughtful, and independent.
A lot of things happened, words were said, feeling were shredded, but that's how I became who I am.
I would change some things, but mostly I'm proud of who I am and I couldn't have achieved it without my past.
Why run from it when you can learn from it?