I don't know what to do anymore. My life is too filled up with complications and questions that can't be answered. I'm always paranoid or in denial about something. Everything seems to bother me these days. The slightest little thing that my mind doesn't agree with could make me extremely upset or mad. It sucks. Life sucks pretty much right now. Although I live in a good neighborhood, are well fed, goes to a good school and have an amazing boyfriend, there's still things holding me back from being truly happy. I don't know how to make any bad situation better. The slightest little happiness I get is usually ruined by my constant thoughts of negative things. Instead of asking myself positive questions, they are always negative. The only time that my heart actually smiles is really only when I'm with my boyfriend, but sadly I'm barely ever able to see him or talk to him, which makes everything much more difficult. Life sucks despite what anyone says. Even billionaires who live in gigantic houses and have great careers and great families could have depression, trusting problems, negative or suicide thoughts. It's life. Life isn't JUST filled with good things. Actually, 80% of the things that happen during a persons life is bad, which means that leaves only 20% of smiles, laughs, kisses, hugs and good times with family and friends. In millions of people's opinion they'd say most teenagers that have my life can't complain about it, but do they honestly know how it feels to be depressed? Or heartbroken? Maybe even the mental sadness after inflicting pain on oneself? Usually I'm not the kind of person to complain about really anything but it helps a lot to write your feelings out. You get things off of your mind, you relieve unneeded emotions. That's why they say it's better to write a letter to someone you don't like explaining why you don't dislike them and not sending it. It makes you feel better. Sometimes it even makes you happy. I mean, you can't constantly let yourself be upset or depressed, it's just not healthy mentally or physically. You would eventually start doubting everything and everyone, including your own hope and dreams. Fixing a fake smile on your face doesn't always solve your problems, it sometimes can make them worse. Bottling things up can make you lose control of yourself and make everything spiral downwards. Crying is sometimes a relief too, but not always. It might just put more crappy things in your mind and drive you insane. Being upset all the time isn't the way to live. The way to live is to surround yourself with things that generally make you happy. You know, like friends and family, good memories, good thoughts, real smiles and a good relationship with some one you feel strongly for. When you're upset, think of those things that make you happy, don't drown your mind in negative things. Typing this out right now is making me realize that I'm not a happy person. I honestly don't think happy, try to make myself happy or even put effort into doing good things. I'm to negative of a person and I hate it. I need to make myself happy, I need to stop relying on one thing for my happiness because one day, it might just disappear.
Talking to myself.
January 15, 2012