If Only She Knew

January 20, 2012
By , Clinton, MS
Life at school for me was as always a facade. The only thing on my mind was getting through the day. Nobody knew what was going on with me. Nobody had the slightest hint of anything wrong with me. Everyday I wore a mask. A mask that had by then become my closest friend. I couldn’t let anyone close to me. They would see only pain, fear, and the torment of things long forgotten by everyone else.

I had many friends, but none of them knew the things I went through. None of them knew the pain I felt. They were clueless of how I really was doing. They were unaware of the things that haunted me. This was the case with even my closest friends and loved ones. I kept them far away from the real me so that they would not see the hurt, the pain, the guilt, and the hopelessness I felt.

This way of life for me was the only way I knew to get through the day without being exposed for what I was really going through. This would change soon, however. There was only one of my friends that was always hard to fool. Her name was Kari. She was My one of my closest friends. We at the point had known each other for two years. She would soon be the one to break through the constant barrier I threw up at school.

Kari was not just a friend to me though. I secretly had a crush on her since the first year. There was something about her that drove me insane. This fact didn’t help things when it came to hiding from her.

She was always going on about something. Most of the time it was good. Occasionally, though, she was telling me about how stressful her life was and how things were bothering her. It was those times that in my mind the only thing I could think was if only she knew. If only she knew what I was going through, she would realize that the things she went through were small and almost insignificant.

It was an ordinary day at school as always. It wasn’t until sixth period that it all came crashing down. I was in choir and we were having one of our off days. She came up and sat beside me. We started to talk like we normally did. This conversation would end up being anything but normal. During the middle of the conversation she stopped me and got a concerned look on her face.

Kari asked, “Jason, are you okay? I get the feeling something is wrong.”

“No, I’m fine Kari.’ I said, ‘Everything is perfect. What makes you think that?”

She replied,“Something just doesn’t add up anymore with you. You’re always talking about how everything is going great. Yet, I look at you and my mind tells me otherwise.”

“I’m fine don’t worry about it everything is okay.” I said, now afraid because I was no longer able to hide.

Kari looked straight into my eyes and said, “I’m not buying it this time. What is wrong?”

At this point I knew it was futile to fight it. I had no where to run. There was nothing I could say would keep her believing my sorry little game that I played for so long. All I could do then was look down and tell her I would talk about it later. I knew there was no getting away from it now she was going to find out one way or another.

Seventh period that day was the longest 50 minutes of my life. All I could think about is how I was going to explain the many things I had long hidden from society. I was afraid of how this would effect the way she saw me. I was tormented by the thought of someone knowing who I really was, and what was really happening in my life.

When I got home that afternoon, I texted Kari and told her to get on Facebook chat. Once she got on, she was quick to remind me that I told her that I would tell her what was bothering me. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice in the matter. It was either, tell her now or tell her later after she had bugged the snot out of me all day.

I started off, “Well... There’s a lot that’s bothering me.” She knew I was avoiding the subject and she wouldn’t have that.

She said, “Stop being difficult and just tell me.”

“Okay,’ I said, ‘for a long time now I’ve been dealing with stress, frustration, depression, and anxiety.”

“Okay,‘she replied, ‘ that still tells me nothing about what the problem is. Be more specific, tell me what is really wrong.”

I said, “It’ll take all night to tell you even half of what is wrong.”

“Well, it’s a good thing it’s a Friday then, huh?” She retorted. “I have all night to hear you out.”

So, I spent the entire night on facebook telling Kari about all my problems starting with seventh grade. Seventh grade was a stressful and emotionally unstable year for me. I told her about the stress caused my school work and frustrating family life. I told her about one of my old crushes and how she toyed with my heart. I told of how I struggled to fit in and how I contemplated suicide that year. In eighth grade, I fit in a little better but at the end of the year another one of my crushes ruined my life. She told everyone about how I told her I loved her when I signed her yearbook. My freshmen year went by without a hitch. Then I told her about my sophomore year and how there was so much tension between me and my brother. That year was year I met Kari. I didn’t tell her about one key part of my problem from that point of the conversation on. Anyway, during the fall of my junior year, I lost my grandfather to cancer. Kari knew about that and was there for me through that though. It was that spring also that I got my heart crushed by yet another girl that time it was my prom date. After that I didn’t have much else to tell her. After all I had just started my senior year.

It wasn’t until I was through talking, that I realized that she had fallen asleep some time during the very one-sided conversation. It was at that point I considered it pointless for me to tell her these things, because she could not keep herself up long enough to hear what he was saying. It was pointless, I was all alone in this I couldn’t even trust my closest friend to hear me out. So, I decided I might as well sleep, myself.

The next morning, I woke up to my phone ringing in my hand. It was a text message from Kari.
It read, “Hey, Jason. I’m sorry I fell asleep on you last night. Just know that I want to be there for you. If no one else will, I will be there for you for whatever your going through. If you ever need anyone to talk to I’ll be there. Just tell me and I’ll help you through it.”

The next week at school, I hid my troubles as usual in front of everybody. The only person I could trust was Kari. I could only talk to her about these things when we were alone. However, when I finally saw her at lunch for the first time that day, something just wasn’t right with her. Something was out of the ordinary with her normally she was always out going and talkative, but today she was quite and mainly kept to herself. In fact, the only person she would come around was me.

The entire lunch period, I wondered at this odd behavior coming from a girl that was never shy and never hiding anything, or so I thought. After lunch was choir, we had yet another free day why a few of the members worked on their songs for solo competition. I pulled her off to the side in class and started talking to her.

“What’s wrong, Kari? I’ve never seen you like this.”, I asked.

“ It’s nothing, really. I’m just tired from the weekend that’s all.”, Kari replied in a soft voice.

“Kari, I know you too well to buy that lie. Tell me what’s going on, what’s the deal?”, I said pushing for a believable response.

She lowered he head to where I couldn’t see the hurt on her face and said, “It’s nothing. You have enough to deal with on your own. I’m not going to bother you with my childish struggles. You’re going to graduate this spring and you have bigger things to worry about that a freshman and her problems. Quite focusing on the small creases in the big picture when there are huge rips in it.”

That remark cut me deeper than any knife ever had or ever would. All that was running through my head then were the statements that would haunt me for weeks. “If only she knew how I felt about her. If only she know that she was loved and that she had someone who genuinely cared for her. If only she knew that I would never let her go, that I would never leave her behind after this year. If only she knew that she was the rip in his life. She was the one thing missing in the picture.”

As the bell rang I noticed something that shocked me and threw me into a tail spin of worry, concern, and fear. I noticed a few cuts on her arm they were fresh not even a day old yet. They were too clean to be anything but a self-inflicted wound. I knew that was like I struggled with the same thing, but I had different methods than cutting, but I had contemplated it on many occasions. This made me want to be there for her even more.

A week went by and I was still persistent, constantly begging for her to talk to me about it. Finally one afternoon she gave in. She told me how she had been struggling depression for sometime now and had no other way to cope with the pain, the doubts, and the feelings of loneliness, helplessness, and confusion. By then though, I, like her, had fallen into cutting.

Two months went by and we helped each other through our struggles, always talking to each other about our recent issues and emotions. By now though she had found out my dark secret that I, like her, had been cutting for some time now. She also now knew my darkest secret of all. Last fall, after I lost my grandfather, I was about to commit suicide when she texted me asking me if I was okay. That message reminded me that there was at least somebody who would care if I followed through with it. There was still one thing that bothered me though. She didn’t know how I felt for her.

One day, we were talking as usual. She could tell something was bothering me. Although it was normal for her to notice something like that, this time what was bothering me was what she least expected.

She asked me, “What’s wrong? Something’s bothering you.”

I was afraid to tell her. I was afraid it might ruin the one decent friendship I have. I was afraid I might lose her.

I said to her, “I’m afraid to tell you. I don’t want it to ruin our friendship.”

“Tell me,’ she demanded, ‘ it won’t ruin our friendship, I promise.”

“The thing that has been bothering me is one simple fact. I love you, Kari,' I said nervously, ‘ I’ve loved you since the moment we met. I was just afraid to tell you all these years.”

She was speechless. The only word she could even begin to form was “what?” Having got that out, I felt amazing. It had been pinned up inside me for so long just waiting to form the words to tell her. There was silence for at least another minute or two. Then Kari looked up at me, she said something that I never thought I would hear let alone from her.

Kari said, “ Jason, I have something to tell you too. I love you too, I always have. Ever since we met, I would daydream about a future that I thought was only a fantasy. Until now, it was only a fantasy, but now its a reality. I never thought I would ever hear those words come out of your mouth. I never expected for a moment that you would ever love me.”

I was dumbfounded by those words. I never thought I would ever have her love me back. I never thought that I would be in love with my best friend and her in love with me. I gathered my composure and thought for a moment. Then I braced myself to ask Kari the one thing I never thought would get to ask to her.

“Kari,’ I asked, ‘will you be my girlfriend?”
“Yes,’ she replied excitedly, ‘ I thought you would never ask me that. Yes, I will be your girlfriend.”

This moment was the greatest moment of my life. I got the girl of my dreams and she got the guy of her dreams. We were both happy and very much in love from that moment on. All my thoughts of “If only she knew...” were for ever changed to, “I’m so happy she knows...”

These statements were forever changed: If only she knew what I’m going through. If only she knew why I cared. If only she knew how I felt about her. If only she knew that I love her.

Theses are those statements from this point on: I’m so happy she knows what I was going through. I’m so happy she knows why I care. I’m so happy she knows how I feel about her. I’m so happy she knows that I love her.

Join the Discussion

This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

_Unwritten_15 said...
Feb. 1, 2012 at 7:42 pm
Awee! Is this about Sarah????????
therealirishandy replied...
Feb. 1, 2012 at 7:46 pm
Yes it is... Do you like it?
LittleMiss replied...
Feb. 1, 2012 at 9:24 pm
You need to publish everything you wrote sweetheart I love you so much
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