A Letter To My Dear

January 24, 2012
By , West Nyack, NY
"I’ll get through these days without you
And I, too, will grow up
Will I forget everything?
'I really loved you'"
-Sakura by Ikimono Gakari

**** **

Have you ever noticed that I call only you that? M’dear. Mon cher. Because that’s what you are. My dear.
Oh what a long way we’ve come. It’s been three, no, four years now. I went from the girl who sat at your lunch table to the girl you talk to on an (almost) daily basis. So many things are running through my mind but let’s start from the beginning. I liked you. You were in my science class and I thought you were the most funny, most good-looking boy I’ve ever laid eyes upon. I got the courage to sit at your lunch table and slowly we started to talk. Over that summer we texted each other and while to you it was probably a chore or something to pass the time, to me, it was my world. I lingered on every response and craved more than anything to make you laugh. You told me I was funny and that I should talk more so I took it upon myself to do that. To make myself into a person that you could like. Then the last year of middle school was upon us. We had a class together and we grew ever so close. I wanted to give you the world on a silver platter, and I still do.
Next comes National History Day. Oh boy, that was fun, wasn’t it? Combined hotel rooms. It was like my heaven. I could stay up with you all night and they’d never find out. More than that, you were mine. I was the one who had the opportunity to stay up late with you. Not her or any other of your friends. I know, I sound like a stupid little girl, but hey, that’s exactly what I was and still am: a stupid little girl. After that was over you got into your first relationship. What can I say? I was crushed. I thought maybe… just maybe, you might like me but of course, it wasn’t me but her. She was so lovely… so nice… so sweet but I couldn’t help but be jealous. I started to hate myself. I got over it but those couple months were torture. I wanted to keep you as close to me and as far away from her as I possibly could. Did you know that I started to read a lot mainly to impress you? To have something in common with you? To get close with you in ways that most people couldn't? Sure, I loved doing it, but that was why I read so much. So maybe then you'd like me. The one thing I still regret is my signature in your eighth grade yearbook. I wanted to have the best signing in your book so no one, not ever she could top it. It was a stupid reason. The main reason I regret it though was because of what I said. Because one day, you’ll forget about me and when you look back at that yearbook, you’ll feel bad and I’ll look like a… well, like a major buttface. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I thought that I could make you feel as bad as I did but as usual, I didn’t look at both sides of the story. I jumped to conclusions that you only thought about yourself and couldn’t possibly care about a girl like me so I was angry with you. Then you emailed me your side and the only person I could ever be angry with was myself.
Over the summer, we got even closer. You were so amazing, so mature… I was mesmerized with you. We hung out almost every week and I felt so high. Although I knew you still liked her I was so happy that you actually wanted to hang out with me. I knew once high school started we wouldn’t see each other as often so I clung to those summer days like a baby would cling to its mother. There weren’t many big events that happened that year, but you continued to talk to me. Around this time I forced myself to stop liking you because it’s pointless to waste time on something that will never happen, right? We went on being friends, being stupid, having fun, and it was great. I had gotten over my petty jealousy and life was quite enjoyable. The school year came and went and all was well. That summer though, was when you broke it off with her. I knew you didn’t want to hurt her and it broke your heart having to see her cry. I wanted to do something, anything to be a good friend, and to be there for you, but I didn’t want to push. I knew that pushing too hard was never a good thing to do when someone you care about is in a delicate state.
Then there’s our second year of high school. We were so close, are so close, it was and still is lovely. My feelings then started to resurface. I guess what you force down you can’t keep down forever. I wanted to though. I wanted to cut all the invisible strings that tied us together and just be done with you. But you know that I can’t do that. You know that I can’t ever forget you. What is my life without you? Anyways, my feelings gradually came back and once they did, I realized that I didn’t like you anymore, I loved you.
Let’s take a break from this chronological order of events for a second. I want to tell you what I know about you. Not those stupid facts I wrote down in my notebook, but I what I know about you. I don’t know if you remember, but there was once this thing on youtube where you were to submit this video about your fears, wishes, etc. and they were going to pick one, or something along those lines. Well you used my video camera and forgot to delete the videos you took. I didn’t realize it and deleted most of them, but in my opinion, I watched the ones that mattered most. I’m sorry if you think that that’s an invasion of privacy or whatever but hey, curiosity got the better of me. Now, let me tell you this m’dear. I don’t know if you still feel this way but you’re not unimportant. Hell, you were and still are one the most important things that was/is in my life. You’ve shaped me and changed me into the person I am now. As to your three wishes, I don’t know if world peace will ever happen, but you will find true love. It may not happen now, but it will happen later. I know I can’t be sure, but with you, although you’re a hard one to crack, you’ll find someone that loves you as deeply as you love them. I hope you have recognized your skill with words by now because if you haven’t I will personally come over there and slap you with a fish. Your stories are beautiful works of art and I truly believe that you’ll one day become a famous author because of your way with words and your passion for them.
All right, where was I? Right. I loved you. It was a big epiphany for me because I thought I could only fall in love if I were in a relationship with someone or if the feelings between us were mutual. I guess we were in a relationship, in our own kind of way, but not the type I’ve wanted for so long. Do you know how many times I’ve wondered what it would be like to have your arms around me, or what it would be like to kiss you? What it would be like to hold hands with you or cuddle with you while watching a movie? Anyways, things start to slow down here. You asked me to be one of your partners for NHD and how could I have possibly said no? I became much more outgoing with you and started to jokingly flirt with you. And you of course did the same back. And now we’re up to the present. As I said in the beginning, we've come so far. I’ve learned so much about you, but I really didn’t expect this. Not this of all things. It’s such a big thing about you and what kind of friend would I be if I just chose to ignore it? I’ll have to admit I’m uncomfortable right now because I have no idea how to react to this. How you would want me to react. You see, you’ve never talked to me about yourself. Never directly. Never about anything like this. I've always had to find out about your personality either the hard way or just pick it up myself. I know how to act around you most of the time. What annoys you, what you find funny, what you don’t. But when I mess up or get it wrong or am given a situation like this one, where I don’t know what to do, I panic. How can I not? But give me time and I’ll adapt. I know I’m a pushy, stupid, annoying, boring, terrible friend but I still care about you. One more thing before I close. Just like words can hurt you, they hurt me as well. Especially yours. Your words are the deciding factor as to whether my day was a good one or a bad one.
One last thing.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I get jealous thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could. I guess it's my insecurities acting up because I know that I'm not the prettiest, smartest, or most fun and exciting person in your life. In an ideal world, you could read this and nothing would change, but if you ever do, I know things can never be the same. You'll never look or think of me in the same way again and that's why, although a part of me secretly wishes that you will one day stumble upon this and read it, the other part of me wishes that you'll never read this and if you do, you'll never see me again after you're done.

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