Blinded

January 12, 2012
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Blinded
Dear Rawr,

Falling in love with you has made me look at everything differently. I don’t know how you keep me hanging, but you do. Even with all of the bad things you do. Like smoke, and drink, and skip school. I’ve been told that I deserve better than you. I might, but I don’t care. You’re all I want right now. And you’re slipping through my fingers.
You know, I never thought I would feel this way about anyone ever again. After what happened with Him, my heart was broken. It was torn out after Abracadabra, stomped on by LSU. Headshot picked it up and put it back in, but you…you’ve more than mended it. You revived my heart. I’m able to love again. You’re like my own heart defibrillator. Only I don’t know where you’ve gone. I’ve lost you, and I need a kick start right about now.

I love you. I’ve never been one that was shy to say it. Of course, I fall in love about as often as Snooki falls over drunk.

I love you. You’re with Her, and I hate it. Of course, your image is all important, so I shouldn’t be surprised that you hide your true self.

I love you. And I’ll never stop, even when you break my heart. Just like He did by cheating on me. Just like Abracadabra did by letting me go. Just like LSU did by leaving me. Alone.

I’ve gotten used to the idea. Loneliness has become air to me.

You can change that, you know. Because when I’m with you, I feel like the whole world is with me. Like I could never be alone ever again. Your smile shows me a glimpse of every person I ever need to be happy. And every person I need to be happy is you. Just you.

I’ve thought a lot about what my perfect boyfriend would look like. He would be tall and muscular with curly blond hair and sky blue eyes. His voice would flow out of his mouth like silk, and he would never hurt me. He’d answer me whenever I wanted to talk. He would be humble and polite. He would support me with every decision I ever made. He would write songs to me to tell me how much I meant to him, and I would finally be happy.

You’re not like him. You’re perfect in every other way. Your brown eyes leave me lost in a sea of love. Your small stature amuses me in an unexpected way. Your over-confidence in yourself makes me wonder Why do I still love him? The way you don’t talk to me in public, the way you ignore my texts, the way I have to write songs for you makes me think. Am I happy?

Of course I am. Or so I thought.

Lately I’ve begun to realize that the way I text you multiple times a day and don’t hear so much as a “Hello.” doesn’t make me happy. How you never ask how I’m doing unless I make it very obvious that I’m upset doesn’t make me happy. When I tell you how I feel and you get mad doesn’t make me happy. When I see you tell Her you love her, it doesn’t make me happy.

But you do. You make me happy. I’m blinded by how much I love you. And I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for helping me realize that all the things you do make me miserable.

But I won’t give up.

Because I still love you.
Always will.





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