Missing You

November 29, 2011
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I felt so helpless looking at my dad as life slowly left his body.It was hard seeing him so pale and weak.He didn't hardly look the same anymore.He was so weak he could hardly talk or move and when he did talk,it was mumbled.It just required too much effort for him.
I watched him grow weaker by the week at first,then it soon turned into him getting weaker by the day.
Watching as the cancer grew stronger inside of him,and it slowly winning the fight was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.I wouldn't have guessed that i would be watching my dad die at only 15,the time in my life i felt like i needed him the most.
It just didn't seem fair at first,but I finally realized that when all of this was over,he would be free of the pain.Not only that,but he would be much happier.He would have his life back.
Even though it was hard,I'm glad I got the chance to talk to him one last time and say goodbye.It was just a week before he actually passed away.It is a memory that will forever live with me.
Walking into his room,I immediately struggled to hold back the tears for his sake.I just had to be strong for him.Soon the emotion just took over me.I couldn't hold it back no matter how hard i tried.
When my turn came,I slipped my hand into his ever so fragile and weak hand.I held his hand through our whole goodbye.
After telling him that I loved him and that I would see him again soon,I bent down to give him a hug.I wish i could have stayed in his arms forever.I was glad he just held me while i cried,seeming not to mind the tears that came streaming out into a pool in his hair.
For the first time in a long while I felt the love of my father.I hadn't really felt it much before,but in that moment,just by putting his arms around me,I felt so strongly the love he had for me.That made it so much harder to let him go.But i knew I had to let go no matter how much I felt like I couldn't and didn't want to.
I knew it would be better for him if he could just feel like it was ok to let go and move onto the next stage and chapter of his life.He had finished his earthly mission.
Even though it was hard to go through,I felt like I owed him that much to accept that he was dying and be ok with it,because he would once again be free.
Three months have passed since I woke up to the horrible news that he was gone.The ache and the pain is still present,but it is a little more bearable.I know that with time I will heal.
There is not a moment,a day,ore even a second that goes by without me thinking about him.It's mostly happy thoughts and memories that live with me but there are still the bad ones of him getting close to the very end.I'm afraid that those horrible thoughts and memories will forever be with me,but I will try to push those bad things out of my mind.
I know that he is always right next to me even though I can't see him.He can see me,but I can't see him.I can only feel his comforting spirit.
I hope I am making him proud when he looks down on me. That is my goal in life to just make him proud.
I hope he smiles when he looks me because that is how I picture him looking at me.I picture his green eyes full of love for me.I miss those green eyes so much!
I will forever love and miss you Dad!I always am thinking of you.The way you laughed and smiled.Plus I can never forget those green eyes of yours and those corny but funny jokes you always made!I know we are losing time together now,but we will be able to make up for that in eternity.I hope you are enjoying life in Heaven!You so deserve it!Continue doing the great work I know you are doing.I will see you sometime soon.I love and miss you!Keep a special place for me there in heaven for when my time comes!

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