It’s dark outside and the lights below leave me speechless with its beauty. I’m finally flying, soaring through the sky, with only the moon, the lights, and my music. The lights are so bright and diverse, so beautiful and infinite. And then I see the black holes. The places where there are no stars, no lights, just blackness. Most of the time that is where I am, invisible. These scary dark patches remind me of the movies where all the lights go out and nothing can be seen. I look down at the brightest clusters and see baseball field and stadiums, all empty and deserted. Everything is so artificial. The sky is dark and black; I have only seen two stars. I wish the lights below could trade places with me and the sky, so that the natural lights of night will finally show. Each “star” below is a person, almost like a Sims’ Aspiration. One light can represent one person or even a family, each creating a light, a star, a dream, an aspiration. I want to defeat the black hole that is you and finally shine for myself, and be happy. My dream, of being with you is consuming me, dissolving me, and pulling me further and further within. But now I’m conscious, the excruciating pain has ensured that, and I’m trying to fight. I know what I have to do, but right now I don’t know how to do it and sometimes I have moments of doubt when I’m not sure I can. But I have to, because it’s killing me. It’s shattering me into pieces that cannot be put back together, and if that happens completely I will no longer invisible, I will be a nonexistent and “dead” in my heart and soul.
December 18, 2011