When I look back on it, sometimes I have to sit and ask myself, what the hell was I thinking? Being 14 and thinking I was in love wasn't my smartest moment. Losing my virginity was bad enough. The way I went about it cinched the bad deal though. Driving underage gave me adrenaline like nothing else could, and the taboo of having a boy, who wasn't my current boyfriend, in the car just heightened my rush. I shouldn't have even brought up the topic. Before I knew it, we were in the backseat and I was no longer a virgin. I promptly told my boyfriend, who unsurprisingly dumped me. Later that night, I went out again, and found myself in the same position. I knew he wasn't any good for me, but I couldn't resist. The third and final time I drove out to meet him, I was determined to tell him I wasn't going to do anything more with him. By the time I told him, however, we had been smoking pot and my willpower was disappearing fast.He got me into the backseat relatively easily, and we did it again. This last time, not the typical rape case, scarred my self image far worse than a "normal" rape. I had a hard time trusting anyone, especially myself. This self doubt increased every Sunday. Seeing the guy who had hurt me, sitting in church and pretending nothing had happened. Finally I got through it to the point I was able to see the good in others again. My ex still won't talk to me, and luckily neither will the other guy. I've found a new guy, who respects my boundaries and forgives my past. I gave up my midnight driving habits, and have yet to smoke anything again since that horrible night where I lost almost all respect for others and myself. I don't expect others to forgive me, but at least I'm on the road to forgiving myself.
The Other Side of Love
December 26, 2011