Letting Go

December 10, 2011
I really would like to write exactly how I’m feeling these days, but I feel as though some of my emotions are completely inexpressible. Perhaps this is because of the intense longing I feel every time you are in the vicinity. It’s also possible that you still have far more control over me than I would like. Regardless, these indescribable feelings remain, but not for long.

I’d like to pinpoint the exact time that I fell in love with you, but I believe it was more of a gradual eye opening. However, there was one critical moment in the midst of the jumbled mess that was our friendship/ slightly romantic endeavor. I was mourning the possible loss of my volleyball career, and you walked out of the locker room. You were sweaty and still had on your practice gear. You looked at me, your eyes filled with concern, and asked if I was ok. I shook my head no. In an instant you were right in front of me wiping my tears away with you thumb. At your touch the majority of the sadness vanished. It was replaced with something else; love. Of course, it quickly made its way back to sadness when your girlfriend was waiting for you outside.

Since that moment, my unexplainable feelings have obviously become far less of a concern to you, seeing as you undermine them whenever you get the chance. You tell me that you miss me when I’m gone, but when I’m with you I gain the superpower I always thought I wanted, invisibility. You had a direct link to my emotions like no one else ever has making it all too easy for you to have complete control over me. You’ve hurt me more than any other person on the planet, and yet you’re one of the few I couldn’t live without. Being friends with you is something I want desperately. Although, it’s a lot more difficult than I thought it would be due to the fact that I still love you.

I would say that we both need to move on, but you already have. I’m the one holding on to what was nothing in your eyes to begin with. Not anymore. I’m going to do the only thing that gives me a real chance to be happy; I’m letting go.





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