Dear Father,

December 9, 2011
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Hey Dad,

First off, I want to wish you a happy birthday. I hope it was good. I'm really sorry for how our relationship turned out. It's all pretty f***ed up. But I really hope your life is good and that you're happy.

I wish things could've been different and that I could think of you as a Dad and not as a stranger, but it is what it is. I wish you could see me now and see how different I am compared to when you knew me, and see me as an adult. Every time some childhood moment happened I wish I could have told you about it and had you there to be proud of me.

I know you probably didn't want kids, because you were confused, you probably weren't in the right mind set to have them. Everything must have felt very rushed and scary for you. I couldn't imagine getting married at my age! You treated Ashley and I more as friends then as daughters, and that's probably because you had no idea what the f*** you were doing. I understand. I'll probably never have kids for the same reason (that and I just don't like kids and have a huge fear of giving birth O_o)...

It's just weird because I still miss you, even though I have no idea who you are. I'm very sad for you. I was very happy when you told me you realized you were an alcoholic, even though you only said that because you were "In love". But it was still nice to hear from your voice.

I'm pretty messed up now. I'm trying to fix my depression, but it's not going away. I can't stop thinking about death. It constantly clouds my thoughts. But I'm trying to fix it. I'm going to see a psychologist soon. I've been seeing a therapist but that only helped for one problem. I have an extremely low self-esteem, which I'm working on. It's funny because as a kid everyone told me Ashley had the looks and I had the brains, which isn't true. I am ogled at everywhere I turn. I'm thinner than Ashley and have grown more confidence because of it. I am also intelligent, probably too much for my own good.

Ashley now has the low self-esteem. I think she has more problems than I do, she is just pretending they're not there, kind of like what you do. I think she is going to turn out like you, and I am very sorry for her.

I really loved the letter you sent me last year, but you still blamed other people for your actions. I do realized it was your best attempt at an apology, but it still hurt. I never wanted your money, all I ever wanted was a simple phone call asking how I was doing. And I know "the phone works both ways" but you're the father and that's your job. And if you kept calling for a while I would start calling you too.

It's sad you don't even know my phone number. It's sad I deleted you from facebook. I deleted you when I found out you moved to Kentucky from your status update. You couldn't even call to tell me you were moving... did you even think to call, or did you forget I existed? It was then I knew I didn't matter to you.


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scribbleer2000 said...
Jan. 3, 2012 at 5:58 pm
I thought this was good and very real. It made me feel something which is usually not so easy to do. Awesome job!
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