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A teen's void

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Hope is such a beautiful word...it gives purpose and goals to my life. Whenever I gobble up that worthy burger every day, I hope for a new, fresh day just like it. But at the farther end of the spectrum lies despair...it gives you the reason to hope and to cry. Just like whenever I fail an exam, or just about any teenager’s dilemma, despair grab me and drag me into a perplexed tunnel to look for hope.

What about in between?
What is in between those to polars?

It’s the void. Looking past the hallways of the school, I find you, reserved by another person, laughing your heart out with them. Your smile shine beyond the clouds, the jingling bells of your joy fill my heart with ease. Yet, when you glide through the hall past me, my conscience burst open, the doors of my heart wide open, but come with it is a hideous pain.

The sound of your jingle makes the world enters a trance, half-conscious, half-dreamy, seized by the roots of a mysterious euphoria. Stretching my shadow towards you, it wants to touch you, I was caught by my own trance, yet again. But then...the moment it ere to reach you, you were already absorbed in another, a perfection that overshadowed me. Those elegant dark hair comparing to my bland threads, like a dark red rose and a weed. But burning in that weed was a strong jealousy, it wanted to threaten the existence of the other shadow, the one that just intervened. I told it to shut up:

“ The seed of your problem is that person, rage, be enraged, you came first, it was the law of nature, the law of the club and the teeth.”
Yet I retaliated: “ But who are to blame? Jealousy will never win over me, you will be banished forever! I’m higher than you, and my intelligence commands over you, my power triumphs over you!”

Yet I was the one to receive the dagger, a marionette to my own rationale.

Every time I see you, an aching pain; Every time you touch me, a hundred daggers pierces me; Every time you hug me, a million spears through my soul.

Indeed, the spears that struck my soul, were the product of my own conscience. I fell into the blue, and hope that it’ll go away, and hope that you would touch me again. But how wrong was I to hope and despair? I crumbled, my doors shattered, my heart burst all at once, when you left-

I was in the blue and the light, floating in the skies. But it was neither sorrow nor joy. It was both, I was in the void, the darkest trance I had ever tasted. I saw a dark tunnel, I saw you waving, calling me afar. I see an empty field, the field of my heart and soul, barren with charred earth and weeds. I see a vision where you would hold me in your arms to cling on further. The skies were turning brown, then red, then blue, and so was the ground, it was a painful rhapsody, I ached and toiled and fumbled. I had no consciousness anymore.

You are I?

In the end, my readers, I had to end it, the suffering that I’ve got, I walked to the cliff where I rule over this vessel and thrown the spear at the ground- the spear of judgement. I inched closer to the cabinet and mixed a potion to drink, fueled with plenty of amateur alchemist’s laws that defied medicine. At once, as it seems a millennium have passed since I made that move. The spear shook my entire conscience, there were screams everywhere.

Bang.

It was over, everything was black- pitch black, to the point of blindness. I haven’t taken a single drop of that potion, for I had realized something- it’s just bland old teenage dilemma...is it? I put down the mixture and walked towards the mirror...a healthy youth suddenly transformed into a hideous creature that called itself intelligent. This was my own fallacy and ridicule, I have fooled myself, the fact that such a simple detail of life- one for a split second I’ve missed, can create the void. And the void is no simple matter, it’s both hope and despair.

So my readers, what I am trying to say here, is that my nature, as an example, is to be intelligent, but my ego, the I in my identity, have blurred my vision so much- to the point that I could no longer be labeled intelligent or rational. And yes, the lesson to learn is entirely up to you, to the interpretation you wish it to be, to your own experiences, but to teenagers, this might be it, this might be our void; and it can be the most sorrowful ever.



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