I Have Made a Mistake

November 6, 2011
By , Richmond, VA
I have made a mistake. Simply like that, and I will say it again, I have made a mistake. You have raised me to be a child of God, who listens and praises His word. You have taught me to be my own person, to make my own decisions apart from the people around me and to be my own me. I am my own me. I’m quirky, I’m silly, I don’t always understand what’s going on around me but thats part of who I am. I smile, I laugh and I make others laugh because it’s a part of who I am, I am happy with life. You have raised me to be a competitor and an athlete, to show sportsmanship to those around me, and give God praise when I do well. I have made a part of me when praying for courage and bravery before every race, every hard practice and before every test. I am my own me.
This past summer, something happened,thoughh. I didn’t take my way, I listened to other people and they put a badthoughht into my head. Before I go on, you have to understand that I am brutally ashamed and disgusted at what I did. The only part of it that I’m happy about is the fact I asked my friends to pray for me conquering my evils. I am not happy about what I did, who I became and why I did it.

Let me give you some background. Vacation over the summer, Sam, Maddie and Jeff were like a clique, and Julie and I were already out of the circle because we don’t drink or party. Maddie had a bottle of vodka in her dresser drawer and all three of them would drink off of that. They talked about partying, strippers and sex. I wanted to fell like I wasn’t just some goody girl who does to a Christian college, where I actually attend church, I don’t party, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t have sex...I am proud of who I am.

However, that day, I felt left out and Sam has been my best friend almost all my life, and friends aren’t supposed to make other friends feel rejected because of lifestyle choices and beliefs. I shouldn’t let these things bother me, but I was fed up and I let them in.
I heard the word porn from one of them and the next thing I know is I’m watching it. My virgin eyes watching things I should never have watched.
From that day on, I tried to stop, I cried myself to sleep night after night because I was disgusted with myself. I was ashamed and I felt like God no longer loved me. For two weeks, I watched it, Ithoughht about it and I continued to cry myself to sleep. I was fed up with myself, I needed help. I texted my Calvin friends and asked them to pray for my evils to go away and I began to beg God for forgiveness, for purity, for cleanness of my mind and eyes for what I’d seen and done.
Anytime I had the urge, I repeated to myself:

“It ruins friendships,

It ruins relationships and

It ruins purity and God’s trust.”

After a week of praying I could feel the temptation, the want, slowly leaving my body. I could feel the works of the devil leaving me. The temptation may have left me but the guilt and disgust stares at me in the mirror everyday. I continue to pray that everything will remain okay, that the devilish acts remain to un-harm me so that I can become my pure mind, my pure me, again.
I was petrified to tell you or anyone because I knew they’d judge me, but after time, it began eating away at me, more than I could handle to keep the secret.
By telling you this shows just how much I love you and how much I seek to find your approval. You should know that I’m never going back, never athoughh of porn again because as I said:

“It ruins friendships,

It ruins relationships and

It ruins purity and God’s trust.”

You should know that I want to be better, I want to be clean, I want help. I signed up for a counseling appointment, something I was scared of doing. I needed to talk about it with an unbiased person, I needed to tell someone who didn’t know me.
Please look at this as my testimony that I shall never do evil again, never think evil again. Please look at me as someone who fell off the path of life, was shoved off the path of life by the Devil, by Satan, and I failed. I’m not a failure, I do good, I praise God and I don’t give up. After crying myself to sleep too many nights in a row, I had to fight back.

I learned how strong the powers of prayer is, how deep your friends will go for you when all you say is pray for me. I learned that even if you have the slightest doubt in the Lord, He will make it relevant,
He will show you the way, He will save you, as He saved me.

Mom, Dad, I’m ashamed of what I did. I learned I need to continue to be my own person, not influenced by peer pressure, not influenced by popular media, only influenced by the things you have raised me to be and the influences of God.
If Satan comes to try to knock me off my path again, I will be sure to ask for help, because I don’t like hiding things, it wounds me and in the end I’m worse than Ithoughh, I’m worse than when I started.
In conclusion, forgiveness and prayers are what I seek from you. Forgiveness of my evils and un-pure acts which I did and prayers that they will never happen again.

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners and purify your hearts, you double minded.” James 4:7-8
All I ask is for you to look at me the same way you did before I let you know of this mistake. All I ask is for you to look at me asthoughh I’m still your little girl. All I ask is for you to see my mistake, what I did for myself to fix that mistake and move on from that mistake.

All I ask of you is to love me for me, even the bad parts of my life.

I promise yo you, to God and to myself I will never do this again. I promise I will never get so lost without asking for help from my family. I promise I will be me, if you promise to love me for who I am, even with the mistakes and pain in my life.

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