About You.

November 18, 2011
By , Los Angeles, CA
They hit me without warning. It takes the wind out of my sails. They knock the air out, if the air were confidence, happiness, or maybe hope. It's like I'm falling-I can't control it. I change. I change so quickly. I don't know myself. I think back to all the experiences-the mistakes-and the now. I have these tense moments-full of regret-moments of self-loathing.

And all that leaves my body is a tense grip or a suddenly clenched fist. It only lasts seconds. The anger lasts for hours. Then, it's gone.

And the wind returns. I briefly forget about who I am or the situation I'm in and everything is nice again.
All this time, I’ve hidden my feelings from everyone because I felt it wasn’t right. I wanted that one friend I could look up to, a guy that I could finally have that best friend relationship with. Throughout my childhood, I prayed for a best friend, someone like me, someone that I could have all those best friend moments that I saw on television or read in books. I wanted a friend who was there for me. Why couldn’t I have a Phineas like Gene did in “A Separate Peace” or a Chris Chambers like Gordy in “Stand By Me?” It didn’t seem fair. It didn’t seem fair at all. Why couldn’t I have that one special friend?

I wasn’t so sure about myself. I wasn’t sure if what I desired was “right.” I searched and searched. I had friends, but none of them stood out. None of them were genuine, caring. I couldn’t trust them. I remember how I cried myself to sleep in tenth grade because I felt I didn’t belong. It was like I was born in the wrong decade. Then, I met you.
Everything about you makes me smile. You’re so full of kindness and love-you’re actually interested in what I have to say. When you refused to leave my side after the car accident, I nearly cried at how incredible a friend you are. I’ve never had someone like that. I’ve never felt like I could truly trust anyone. No one has ever been so genuine to me.
But I wasn’t right in the head. The more we hung out, the more I fell in love with you. I came out to you and expected the same back, but I didn’t get it. I just wanted to hold your hand. I wished I could squeeze you with all my might. I wished I could feel your face with the back of my hand, look into your eyes and see that you feel it too. That's all I wanted. Nothing more, but I knew I couldn’t have it. It's okay though. It's okay because I love you enough not to be so selfish-to let you be who you want to be. It’s the heartbreak that really draws me to this new commitment. I know I can never have you and that kills me inside. You accept me for who I am, but you’ll never join me. And that alone, seems almost as bad as losing you.

You're still there for me; you still care and support me. But somewhere deep down inside me you aren’t there. You can’t love me; you can’t love me in the way I want and that’s-that’s okay, it’s just not meant to be. For some reason, I thought I would finally be happy-complete in this lonesome world, but I was wrong. Aren’t we all? So I’ve committed. I’m determined to be there for you if anything ever goes wrong. Anything. I’ll take the hit. It’s okay-I just can’t lose you. If I give my life to save you, it’ll show you how much I really love you.
It’s a commitment, I know. A commitment I make only because I can’t let it happen. I’ve never met someone more down to earth and understanding than you. I feel like you are the only person that really knows me. Everything flows so soundly. The type of person I thought could never exist exists. I love you more than anything. My life without you seems void.
Maybe I shouldn’t worry about you. You are more capable than I am and you’ve proven it to me. You resemble any goodness this world has and I can’t let that be taken away. I guess we need you. To me, you’re a leader, a person that we should all follow. You can be whatever you want to be and I want to help you along the way in whatever way I can be of use. I know how you can be. You’re better than you think you are. You’re so damn humble.
I’m done being selfish, wondering what could have been or in my mind, “should have been.” I only want whatever makes you happy. You’re so beautiful.

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