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The Crash

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An ordinary morning, that’s all it was. At 7:00 I began my short walk, just two doors down, to my aunt’s house. She was a teacher and her son and I would drive in early with her before school began, as we had done all year. The sun was shining bright and my unadjusted eyes had to squint to see. It was a fairly warm day but with a chilly breeze. I could smell the dew from the grass and hear the constant call and answer of the bird’s chirps. I could still taste my breakfast of cereal and chocolate milk. It was January of my second grade year. I was young, happy, and foolish. Around me only the bright green of the grass and trees, and life was as it should be, good.

As I neared my aunt’s house I noticed her car slowly moving back a few feet, then forward the same distance. Confused I walked up the short but steep hill that her driveway was on. When I was next to the car I saw it wasn’t my aunt driving, but my cousin who was only 4 years older than myself. He had blond hair, blue eyes, and was very intelligent. Yet, I couldn’t understand why he was driving.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“My mom told me to warm up the car” he replied.

I was too young to realize he had avoided the question entirely. He got out of the car and asked if I wanted to try. I said I didn’t, but he told me it was very easy and started making fun of me. Feeling very nervous I got into the driver’s seat and closed the door. He leaned through the window to control the wheel and put the car in reverse. The car began to roll backwards and I felt more and more anxious. As it got close to the hill he told me to hit the brakes. Absolute terror gripped me then because I was unable to reach them and the car had reached the hill. He began to yell louder for me to hit the brakes but couldn’t. Suddenly my feet found a peddle, and I pressed it down as hard as I could, but the car didn’t slow down. It seemed to speed up. I heard a scream and a loud BANG, then nothing. Silence? What had happened? I seemed to be thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. All at once my senses came back to me. Pain? I had hit my mouth on the steering wheel. Taste of leather? Also from the steering wheel. Smoke? Must be from the car. Then I heard the screaming, a horrible screaming that sounded like a dying animal.

“I’M GONNA DIE!!! PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!!! GOD HELP ME, PLEASE!”

Then I was outside the car. Did I even open the door? Did my feeble legs even support me? And where was the screaming coming from?! I looked up and saw my cousin, covered in blood, screaming and crying. I could see his bone through his leg. The blood was everywhere and I began to cry and scream for help. My legs could no longer support me and I fell. But then I was in my aunt’s house. How did I get here? Did I even fall over? Where was my aunt? I yelled anything to get her to come. She finally wrapped in a towel. Then I heard the screaming again. Somehow I was outside and hear my cousin, wanting to die, and saw the blood that covered the street, and felt the pain in my mouth and head. I cried, and when I looked up, I was in my house. I ran to the window. Police cars and ambulances were everywhere. Across the street from my aunt’s house war her car, smashed into my neighbors front porch. My senses were gone. My heart seemed to stop. There was nothing after that.



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matador said...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 11:00 am
that's pretty traumatic man. you did a great job writing though. but, the ending was a tad bit hard to follow. keep it up! :}
 
billgamesh11 said...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 10:20 am

Oh wow

You were eight?  This must have been so horrible for you to endure. You did a great job in telling the story, but the ending was a little confusing. The last line was good, but to avoid confusion, you should've put something like "There was no feelings inside me after that" but with some better describing words, that line was thought of at the top of my head, so it wasn't as good as something I could have thought of after thinking awhile, but just so you could get an idea. ... (more »)

 
Donahue8 replied...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 10:36 am
Thanks so much :) and I want to change it to "It was just and ordinary morning..." what do you think?
 
billgamesh11 replied...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 10:39 am
Yeah, but maybe you should say, "It started out as an ordinary morning.." but yeah, sounds better! :):):);)
 
Donahue8 replied...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 10:46 am
I wish you could edit these!!
 
.Izzy. said...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 5:38 pm
Oh my goodness, how traumatic! You were only eight though, so I can't blame you for what happened. Be careful not to rush the story, because it's super intense and you truly have the potential to hook your readers.
 
Odessa_Sterling00 said...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Wow. That must have been so terrible.  I am so sorry!  You wrote your story really good. I could see everything!
 
Donahue8 replied...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I know :/ and thanks!

 

 
tewtee said...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 3:45 pm
Oh, my. I love the ending so much. The emotion throughout the whole piece is great.
 
Donahue8 replied...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 3:48 pm
Thanks so much!!!
 
meowers5 said...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 3:00 pm
Like it...the ending might need some change just so u know...
 
Donahue8 replied...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 3:07 pm
like what? 
 
meowers5 replied...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Dont say "there was nothing after that..." say something like "All I saw was a deep darkness after I realized what happened" or say that you fainted and "a deep darkness engulfed me as I......"

Just some tips

 
Donahue8 replied...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm
i had somehing like that before, but i didn't really like it. "there was nothing after that" I feel means more. the rest of that month I didn't reallly think about anything else or remmeber anything after that
 
meowers5 replied...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 5:24 pm

That makes sense. Ok just sayin, still like the piece tho.

 

 
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