The Invisible Becoming of Me

October 26, 2011
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The room was drowsy and grey. It had little to nothing in it and what it did have had no meaning. I thought I could smell makeup in the carpet and whiffs of perfume every now and then, but I was starting to think it was just my imagination. The walls seemed to melt into nothing if I stared for too long, and the door knobs felt like ice against my skin. Two souls once stayed here. Though it is hard to remember at times, it wasn't fictitious, just hard to place. They were here once, I would tell myself, but at times I felt as though they evaporated into little particles and then into nothing, like they were just air, air that no one thought twice about. It was only three years ago, only three years had passed. Yes, that's right, it's June now, June, I thought. It had been three years since they packed up and went away. I suppose I've lost all sense of time. I tend to do that when change takes its course, almost always. My house, my house, well it sure didn't feel like mine. But that's where it all happened, in my old house, where nine years had been spent.

Alice No-Middle-Name. The youngest sister, but an elder to me. She is so beautiful. Wish she knew that, wish she knew how pretty and smart she was. Maybe she does by now, sure hope so. That auburn hair she was always trying to dye to brown. Those hazel eyes like mine; I used to hate my eyes, but looking at hers would remind me of how beautiful hazel eyes really are. And she's tall, like me. She's a lot like me, or I suppose I'm the one who's like her. She now tells me how to paint my nails better, or dress for a certain event, sister stuff is all. I knew the day would come when she graduated from high school and made her way into the world, I just didn't know it'd be so soon. “I'm moving down to Berkely with Ian, in probably a week or so,” she had said to me the same night of her graduation.

“I didn't know that was your plan.. I thought maybe you'd stick around for a little while longer,” I had responded. Then she told me all about how it wouldn't even feel any different with her gone, but she was sure wrong about that.

Then there's Martha. Martha Made-Up-Middle-Name-May. Martha was always known as “my favorite sister,” as bad as that sounds. Things change, though, just like they did three years ago. She didn't stay “my favorite”; now I don't have a favorite, but that's probably just because I grew up. Martha has dark brown hair, same as mine. She has the tiniest feet out of the bunch of us, size 7 and ½. I'm only 15 and I wear a 10; talk about crazy. But Martha, she just makes things feel so much better than they really are, more happy rather than depressing. She's got a smile that makes you want to sing, and two big, blue eyes that read love. Martha was the one I cried to when I was little. She just hugged me and gave me warmth and comfort. So when that day came, that day when the words, “I'm leaving, down to where Al lives,” I thought the world had stopped. The walls around me seemed to be fading, and the ground beneath my feet was suddenly missing. Even with her dark hair hiding her face, I could still see those big blue eyes, and I knew that she meant it.

But when that day came, and my second sister left, that's when it hit me, how they had to move on with their lives. And just because they were moving forward didn't mean I was suppose to stop, although that's what I wanted to do for a while, just put everything on hold until things felt right. But life won't let you just stop when you feel like it, well, not if you want your life to give something back in the end. I still had to wake up in the morning, wake up and get out of bed. I still had to sit in classes and do work where I'd need to ask for help. I'd still have to be in that world where words blurred on paper and nothing was significant. Where my legs would stick to the plastic desks and an aroma of persiration was brought my way. Where teachers lectured, and my mind wandered into what seemed like nothingness. Sure, they have been gone, but they'd still always be there for me, still always care just as much as before. That hadn't changed, not one bit.

Sure, they grew and developed as people over the years, but they never really changed, not in my eyes anyway. My sisters would always be those two girls I knew and loved. As for me, I had changed a lot, a whole lot. I had soon realized that, yes, I loved them, and I would have leaned on them forever if I could have. But I needed that change, I needed it to become who I am to this day, and to become who I'll be in the future. I needed the space to become my own person instead of looking for the answers through someone else. I did, I changed.

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