Soul Sister

October 27, 2011
By , Port Angeles, WA
I didn't even know what was happening around me until that day. She never told me, but I should have known. No one knew anything about what she was going through until that horrible, horrible day. The day my best friend committed suicide.

She seemed so happy, like everything was perfect. But it was just a shadow, a dark veil that was hiding her from the world. I wanted to say I knew that something was wrong with her. I could tell that something was up, her laugh sounded fake. Her smile wasn't as bright. Those beautiful green eyes of hers didn't light up the same as they used to. And she never wanted to do anything fun, like dancing or singing. She was the best dancer. Her voice was a perfect melody. I miss the sound of her voice so much.

I still hate myself for that night. She called and I didn't pick up my phone. If only I had answered, she might still be alive. I could have saved her.
The voice-mail she left plays in my head when ever I look at her picture. "I'm so sorry Amy, I don't want to do this. But seems like the only way out. And I'm going to stick to our pact, my best clothes are yours. My beloved panda collection is under your custody now. But before I do this, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. You will always be my soul sister. You are perfect and beautiful, remember that. OK OK, I love you so SO much. Bye." I can remember every sound in the background, the tremble in her voice as she spoke and even the sob she was choking back. I believe her when she said that she didn't want to kill herself.

The thing that hurts me the most about her death isn't the sad stares from my peers at school or the pity hugs, its that she did it with my belt. My best friend in the whole wide world hung herself with the belt she borrowed from me. It was purple with silver studs on it, the buckle was of a panda wearing sunglasses. She said it was so fantastic that she would steal it from me. We laughed about that until we couldn't breathe. She used to love laughing. Now I cant remember what her laugh sounds like.
My best friend having severe depression and not knowing about it....breaks your heart into a million pieces.
The pain she felt is no match to the pain I feel because of what she did to herself.
The loneliness I feel without her is insufferable.
The sadness is heartbreaking.
The depression is inescapable.
If only I could tell her that I took my own life to be with her in heaven.

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