I Wait for Him Outside of School

October 6, 2011
There she stands, as always, a broken soul, standing alone waiting for her love to come and see her. Always scared that one day he won't, terrified that one day he won't feel the same, afraid that she won't be worth the effort anymore. Who would put the effort in for a paranoid emotional girl like her? She's not even pretty. She's short and awkward looking. How he could possibly love her and out up with her, she can't understand. She hates herself, how could he not hate
her too? She often thinks and knows that his life would be so much easier without her, if she were dead, he could be so much happier and carefree. Why does he stick around? He has left before, yet came back for her. She is absolutely terrified that it will happen again. Every little thing hurts her feelings and makes her cry. It's as if she were a porcelain doll, and boys don't know how to handle them very well. She knows she is pushing him away and she hates herself for it. But yet, at the same time, she knows it's not all her fault. All she wants in her life, the one and only thing she wants, is for him to put her and her feelings into consideration in his life. Then she wouldn't have to be so scared and she would know that he really cares. But he doesn't do that, so all she can do is hope and pray that he does care and that he does want her. He says it, but as much as she tries to, she can't feel it. She tries so hard every day to feel it and to put a smile on for him but every day it seems to get harder and harder for her to do so. She loves him, more than he will ever know. And she needs him. When he ignores her because he's upset, it's as if someone has stabbed her with a knife, right in the heart. She cries, feels sick to her stomach, and shakes so badly that she can barely hold her phone straight. She begs him to try and understand her, but sometimes the two just can't understand each other, as hard as they try. Often she wonders if he is trying as hard as she is. Sometimes she knows that he's not and that kills her. It kills her. She's been hurt before, by that very boy, but she loves him so much that she will stay with him and forgive him because she believes he is truly sorry. She'll take his word over what she has seen with her own eyes, and for this very reason, people call her stupid. Stupid she may be, but she is in love. And as hard as her relationship with him most of the time, when they aren't fighting, it's perfect to her. He may not feel the same way, but to her, he is perfect in every way, she loves every little flaw about him. And when they are together and not fighting, it's as if she's on Cloud Nine. They can make this work, she knows it, they just have to try, and she's willing to give it everything she has. She loves him. And he knows it. She knows that he is the only one who can heal her broken heart, as he is the one who crushed it in the first place. She knows she needs to change, because she is too easily upset by little things, and that pushes him away when she really needs him to be close. He thinks she comes on too strong. She knows she does, but she can't help it. She's head-over-heels in love with this boy. She knows their love is strong enough, she knows it. She feels it deep down in her heart, she knows it's true. So she stands and waits for her love. I stand and wait for my love.

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