She tried too hard and she didn’t try at all. She cared too much yet didn’t care at all. Sometimes she would be too loud and sometimes she refused to talk. She lies with honest intentions. She did what she wanted and knew she was great. She was a girl of logic and reason so she valued her emotions, as they were difficult to come by. She used to read a lot because she had had no friends, but then she had friends and had little time to read. She enjoyed kids’ movies played old styled but her t.v. broke so she stopped. She said she would not wear makeup but then she did, but she still did not mind being bare faced. She wore nice clothes and had many looks, but she did not mind what she wore. She wanted to be writer and she wrote, but not the way colleges would look at. She loved and oversaw the water nearby but she rarely took a stroll there. She was waiting for a few things to arrive and thought they should have come already. She had very great ideas that were very deep and she tried to put them into her artwork. She worked fast but not the best, but even if she slowed down she was not the best. She went to one of the hardest schools and did not think it was too bad. She made friends and that was odd to her. She moved a lot was her excuse but she was also not likable. But things changed here and she was pleasantly surprised. She was always well meaning but her efforts made everything worse and she sometimes wished that she would just shut up. She wanted to help and hated feeling helpless. She never asked for anyone’s help because it was just a fact that no one could be there for her. She was not nice, but rather rude, demanding, harsh, conceited and nagging. But she did not mean these things. She was actually caring and wise and deep and real. If you asked her she would have gave you what you needed. She rarely cried and it took a lot to get her to and she did not cry for long. She thought she knew people well but she had no way to confirm it. She lived in her head but that stemmed from her heart. She was a poet but did not know how to live off that. She was an idealist but not necessarily naive either. She wanted to help the world and she was an optimist, realistic optimist. She was confused by religion but kind of preferred ignorance. Things did not stay in her mind and that was disturbing to her. The phone would ring and she would not pick up. She did not miss what she did not have. She did not care much for most of her possessions. She enjoyed music but she was too literal with it. Her family was not really a family and she did not want to be married. She found no good reason to. She knew people and feelings changed and nothing lasted forever. She was in love. She had no reason to and she did not wanted to be but the fact remained that no matter what she did, she still loved him unconditionally. She wondered why people were why they were and she did not feel part of humanity, though she felt a bit of a liar there, because she could be just like everyone else. Maybe it was dependent on her mood. She was very temperamental; she could be very happy then very sad and sometimes very happy and sad at the same time. She lived in words, her own and others. No one thought like she did. There was no pleasing her, but at least she knew that. She wondered what her name was. She once heard that you heard it in your heart before you slept, but she intellectualized everything and rarely knew when her heart spoke. She got quite disarrayed when she reflected upon herself because she was quite the contradiction. She chose not to most of the time, life was simpler that way. Like Edgar Allen Poe, all she loved, she loved alone. She was still discovering herself. I guess she was scared of herself. I think she does not know she is. I know I am lost searching for myself.
October 1, 2011