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A Stitched Heart
A dark sensation can ruin a moment. When something’s wrong you can almost always feel it. If you put your hand on a hot stove your body knows automatically that it’s not right and makes you want to move your hand. It’s just human nature. So how could anyone hurt himself? A human can’t physically choke himself to death. Human nature and instinct tell us we want to live so our bodies pass out in order to be able to breathe. So how could anybody want to die, or ever be successful when trying to commit suicide? This is the story of a girl whose human instinct seemed to have been corrupted. This is a story of a girl who longed for death, but lived.
She was so young. Her innocence still intact more or less. Superficial, fake, numb, all of these she felt yet she could feel nothing real. So many smiles on her lips day in and day out. Yet a monster with gleaming eyes of ice lurked beneath the surface as she breathed carefully. Every breath a labor, for she no longer wanted life. However, she was, at this time, afraid of the blade and the real truth of her condition.
Over time her stagnant disposition began to darken. Her lies began to grow and take on a life of their own. Her silence was becoming her. With no one to talk to she felt isolated and alone. Being around the people who wanted her to be perfect, bright, always okay. It weakened her spirit. This emotional lassitude began to spread to and effect her physical state. Dragging herself out of bed, getting up, and staying up late. She loathed the way she was so confused, and a burden. She already was feeling a little used. So soon she found a demented way to cope. Her blade was found and so she learned its potential power. The attraction grew. Until finally she made the desperate choice to bleed.
After the first time, she did it again. Again. Again. It soon came easily like a familiar seductive friend. With no one to stop her she soon had fantasies of leaving forever, of the black dress occasion where too few would attend. These dangerous desires were about to consume her. The scars she hid, yet in the spring her parents infringed and her world shattered. All of her carefully crafted secrets, exposed and she was sent to a paid listener. What a mistake. The next time she was listened to, did it help? Who knows. Nothing could change her longing for love.
It got colder, and the breezes began to chill. As her heart got weaker, and more desperate still. When the forbidden confessed her love for her, she thought, why not? I have nothing to lose. Oh, but she had so much. That night she was broken, her innocence stolen through touch. Without warning, (at least none that her blinded, naïve eyes could see). She wanted to shrink, and disappear into the wall. All she wanted was to not be seen at all. What the thief took was more than physical. That girl confused her more than anyone would know.
She tried to shrug it off, that dark shivery night. She tried to ignore how even the simplest touch could bring her fright. She began to crave “normal” touch. That was love, wasn’t it? For, she wanted love still, oh far too much. So she made mistakes, as she tried to forget. Stacking up the pain of so many regrets. All the while the bullying and harassment grew to a roar of lies, rumors, betrayal, touch. Was she guilty of lies? Yes. Was she blaming herself? Yes. Guys would always try, so she’d go home just to secretly cry. Then he took advantage and crushed her already broken self.
Her voice was useless, (or so she felt), so she kept quiet and for that she hated herself. She tried to push him, away from herself. Then she gave up, wanting to kill herself. On that darkened bus she thought she’d be safe, but she was losing herself. She was wrong. So wrong. Wrong. So she started writing the end of her song.
The summer then came, no mercy as its companion. She attempted to dig her own self a grave, but it was too shallow for her to lay. So she woke up a failure the very next day.
She left to go to that place, of off-white walls. In that place it was cold, dead. Everyone had a problem. “This is hell” she said in her mind. She only wanted out. Then back at school there was so much judgment. The girl was there, the guy just stared. Everyone was around waiting for her to create a mistake. She then gave up. And decided to leave in a new fashion. She left the place pf her greatest distractions. Left her private torturous chamber, but some nightmares followed.
Her sanctuary arrived and there were many new rules. But she was safe, and tried to be happier. However the darkness still lurked inside, while her human nature was still broken. She bled so much and broke so many promises to the only ones who truly loved her. She was waiting for him, and he came… then left but not of his own accord. Their love however wasn’t swayed. With his love and their help and care, she felt a will to be there. To want to want to live. It was a start, a slow start, but the beginning of something better.
She for once felt love, not centered by lust. The evil was there but she was learning to trust. The darkness she lived in was fading to blue, and she was so surprised she wasn’t sure what to do with the love that she felt for them and from them. She began to try to get out of her night.
With a heavy heart that was losing weight, she looked at the life she was dealt with day by day. She wanted to believe that it would be alright so she began to fully love. She’d been to hell and was crawling back. Borrowing their strength whenever she had none. Her spirit was growing getting ready to believe that the true kind of love, is what she’d always been worthy to receive. After this experience she started to realize that love was more than a touch or lies.
So, as you can see, her human sense of life wasn’t broken. She now knows she’s worth more than she ever knew before. She didn’t want to be perfect anymore. She stopped looking back and finally erased and burned all the letters. Love isn’t always ending in pain, she’s no longer afraid of the rain. She’ll let it fall down and soak on through. A mystery still lies behind her hazel eyes, nobody may ever know the truth in all of her past lies. She finally wants not only to find love but to give. She is a girl who wanted to die, then decided to live.