Dear Diary...

August 4, 2011
By Anonymous

Dear Diary,

I miss him already and I just ran out of minutes on my phone. I'm writing this in place of my blog since I do not have internet yet, but hopefully tomorrow I will get it set up. Anyways, I ran out of time on my phone at midnight and like Cinderella my fairytale came to an abrupt halt. My last words were I love you, and it is so true. I have never felt this away about anyone. Evan and I had a connection, but it was not like this. My heart skips a beat just hearing his voice, I get butterflies in my stomach when he is just holding my hand, and when he kisses me it's like nothing else in the world matters but him. To an extent it doesn't. I'm on summer vacation. The only thing I have to do is detassil next month, but I have not yet been called in for it. If soulmates are real, I see myself staying with Jeremy forever. He says he will always love me, and being the mush ball I am I want to believe him. I was cheated on by my last boyfriend. It hurt and from then on I promised myself not to trust words, because words are lies. He says he loves me and I believe him, unlike Evan, Jeremy is willing to wait on me. He doesn't want to move too fast either. He does tell me when he wants more than I'm willing to give, but immediately backs off if I say no. He is so perfect for me; we love all the same music, well, most of the same music, we both hunt and fish, we are both outdoorsy people, not exactly people persons, same feelings about relationships, and so much more that I could go on and on. He's sweet to me and makes me happy. I can not help but smile and laugh when I'm around him. He brought me chocolate for no reason, and comes down from Indianapolis to Farmersburg once a week t spend an entire day with me. When I was staying with my uncle last week we were fortunate enough to go to McCormick's Creek and walk the trails. We found a cute place to rest and we got to kiss and be close to each other. In that moment I completely lost myself in his beautiful blue eyes and it was as if we were the only two people in the world. Nothing mattered but him. If that isn't the strongest feeling I have ever had towards a man I don't know what it would have been. He can be such a guy sometimes and he has a fetish with my back pockets, but he is such a gentleman. He carried me over mud and attempted to get us something to eat. He tried to keep me war when I was cold and he held me close and told me how beautiful I am. Only my cheating ex told me that but everything he has ever told me in fake so I no longer trust what he has to say about anything. My mother's ex husband and kids constantly told me how fat an ugly I was. I guess that's why I was fighting anorexia. Don't worry though. I haven't been that way for almost two years. I see myself differently, but do not see myself as beautiful, not yet at least. Maybe Jeremy can show me what he see's in me. I have to say that I do see as my eyes as beautiful. In my family green eyes runs deep from our Irish and German bloodline, but my eyes are not only green. On the outer rim of the color they are blue, then the become a darker green, but in the middle is a brilliant gold that reaches out. It was one of the first things Jeremy complemented me on. I always felt that my eyes were pretty. It feels really good to hear it from someone important to me. Jeremy also wants to take me to a concert this year! I'm really excited. I have never been to a normal concert and I think it should be a lot of fun with him. His older brother and his girlfriend are going also. They seemed pretty cool from what I saw and heard when I met them. His mother, however, is another story. She doesn't seem to like me and I do not understand why. He told me she wanted us to break up from the start which I personally find strange since she had never met me. You see, Evan, my ex, dumped me couple weeks from prom and I had already gotten everything for prom. I didn't have someone to go with that I thought I would have fun with, but while Evan and I were on the rocks and I knew he was cheating I starting to text Jeremy. We had always been friends because him and his father, plus his cousin and uncle, and two family friends as well would come down and hunt with myself and my grandparents. We live close to some really good public property. Anyways there was a really bad storm while I was staying with my grandmother and he texted to see how we were holding up and we texted back and forth for a while. Since then a thought had run across my mind. What would it be like? I remained faithful and didn't text Jeremy after that because I did not want to do something stupid. The I broke up with Evan and he decided that he rather get the money back from his tux than go to prom with me so I texted Jeremy and he said he would love to go with me. We couldn't stop talking after that and here we are. Prom was really fun even though he isn't much of a dancer. We had a tornado watch or warning, I don't know witch, but they ushered us all into the hallways t wait it out and we got to be extra close and talk. It was really nice for the circumstance. He later told me he liked that part too. Post prom sucked though. Me and all my friends were all severely bored, but we had to stay until 3a.m. Because he could not yet drive me without a licensed adult in the front seat. It's a stupid law, I know. We had a lot of fun though. After that we decided that we could try dating and ever since then a very strong connection has formed. I believe I am n love as much as a 17 year old can be at least. Some say that we, teenagers and preteens, do not know what true love is because we are too young to understand, but that is so far from true. We may not have lived as long, but that does not mean we do not care for others the same way. Maybe adults just do not remember what it was like, or maybe they did not chase their crushes and achieve at least one date with them. I'm not bragging but I have dated a lot of people. I dated them for many reasons. Some were selfish and truly evil reasons. I will admit that I was not always the best girlfriend, but I evolve from relationship to relationship. Each time I grew stronger in a new field. One boyfriend, my first real boyfriend taught me to kiss. He was my first kiss, and I still smile when I think of him. We used each other and there was no love. We knew that from the beginning. That may bother some people, but I am very open minded and we did not want all the “rituals” of dating. It was all over rated anyways. My second real boyfriend taught me to see the world differently. He showed me how religion and worldly things can collide. In same ways those things were good and others were bad, but he helped me to see the truth in the real world. I dictate my own life and I live freely. I am just so in love with Jeremy. I can be myself around him. I do not have to fear my imperfections and blemishes around him. He constantly is complemented me on something. If we could stay like this forever I wouldn't trade it for anything. I feel bad though because my mother and I have not been seeing eye to eye lately and I have indeed been rude to her, and her me, so I was unable to get a phone card. I'm unsure of when I will be able to get another one. Jeremy said he would get me one when he comes down if my mom lets him since I am currently with her. I much rather be with my grandmother. She does not care if Jeremy comes down, she loves him dearly. My mother on the other hand works a lot now and will not let him come over without an adult being there. She doesn't trust me, but what she doesn't know is that I've had sex before. It really isn't a big deal. She thinks I have not, but she will find out sooner or later, preferably later. Back to the trust thing, I don't plan on having sex with Jeremy for a while. I want our love to be more than just physical lust. I want it to be emotional and strong before we mix that in. plus I think he's still a virgin and I don't want to take that from him until I know he's ready too. I know he sad he wants to do everything I want to, but I don't think he knows how binding sex actually is. It's hard after than. I don't want him to just want me for my body. I'm not gonna' lie, I'd love to sleep with him, but I'm not ready. I'm not really sure. I think it's because that's all Evan wanted. I'm afraid that Jeremy will only want that from me and nothing else. I do not want to feel worthless, like if I say no he will hate me, but if that's all he wants I guess I'll have to move on. I'm not going to put up with that again. It was awful the first time. I learned from my mistake, but I really doubt that's all Jeremy wants seeing how he has never even tried to get me to. Not once, and we have had plenty of chances. I really love him. I'm going to believe him when he tells me he loves me because in a way I know he does. He is just so damn sweet.

I have to move in with my grandmother within a couple of weeks for detassil, I think I already mentioned that. I'm really excited because I plan on staying with her. I know we'll fight some, but it can not be worse than here with my mother. She thinks I'm lazy, but honestly I just don't want to lea up everyone else's messes. My job is not to clean the entire house everyday. I don't see why I need to take care of the puppy, Max, cause I didn't want him, and from what I knew he was going to be my mother's dog. Then why must I have to take care of it. Shouldn't it be her job? I doesn't help that m younger sister is playing my old part when I'm gone. Another thing that makes me angry is that while I am staying with my grandmother, my mother let's her boyfriend's kids, whom I barely know, stay in my room. The broke my TV, my heat lamp, and stole several articles of clothing that I had just gotten for Christmas. One of those articles was a brand new $24 baithing suit. How am I going to loose a bathing suit in December in Indiana? I know it made it home with me because I tied all my baithing suits together and that one was the only one gone, top and bottom. That's another reason I'm moving out. Apparently staying in my room all the time which I have done since I was about ten, is antisocial and rude, but my mother just doesn't understand me. She never has. That's her parenting flaw. She doesn't try to be interested or understand how and what I do. Oh well, just a couple more weeks and I'm done. Yeah, I will still see her, I'll probably even miss her some, she is my mother, but I believe I would be happier without her. Well, it's late and I'm tired since it is 1:30a.m.

06/26/11 01:31:26 AM

The author's comments:
Well, I started writing diary entries while I was stuck at home and was wanting feed-back and thoughts on how I handle situations and my own thoughts.

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This article has 2 comments.

on Sep. 16 2011 at 1:46 pm
KateLynnLeigh BRONZE, Farmersburg, Indiana
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Favorite Quote:
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on Sep. 14 2011 at 6:26 pm
kaylarocks SILVER, AURORA, Colorado
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