The Desire To Be Invisible

August 6, 2011
When we were little, at least once, we all pretended to have super powers. Memories of children holding their hands outstretched beside them, pretending to fly, rest in every one’s mind. Imagining what life would be like if we could fly, or have super speed, or could stretch far enough to get that remote on the other side of the couch. At times we all wanted to be fantastic, to stand out from the crowd.

I never was that kid. I never once thought about being different, or standing out. In fact I thought more about blending in. I went through the superhero stage, just like every other kid, the only difference was didn't want to be seen. I wanted quite the opposite. I wanted to disappear.

I should stop using past tense verbs. Because the want to disappear never completely went away. When I was young, I’d think about being invisible because if I was invisible other kids maybe would stop teasing me about the way I pronounced words, or maybe the geeky glasses I wore, or my short hair.

Now I think less about being invisible, but more about just disappearing completely. Sometimes, more often than not, I think that everyone would be happier without me.

I know I suffer from depression. I know that people around me care. That I’m loved, and would be missed if I wasn't here. But that thought, of disappearing, is becoming more apparent.

I don't think of myself as beautiful, even though people will tell me I am. I find it hard to stand out in what I want to do, not because I can’t, but because I almost don't want to. I have friends, but few real ones. I’m in love with an amazing boy, but because of this feeling of wanting to be non-existent, I only feel like I’m hurting him.

I cant stop. I cant drive the thought of disappearing out of my head. I cant stop letting down my defenses and letting the despair in. I'm scared, because if I really start to think, I don't want to disappear.

I have everything I need to be happy. I have a home, with parents that love me. I have a sweet boyfriend, who doesn't try to do anything to hurt me. I may not live in riches, but i don't live in poverty either. In all honesty, I haven’t experienced anything that should make me feel the way I do. But I still do.

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