My feelings for him remain conflicted, but who am I kidding? I still love him and I still care about him. There are still days that go by when all I do is think about him, so why the sudden confusion? Is it because I no longer harbor the attachments that I used to? Being so attached to one person is unhealthy. It’s like a leech refusing to suck blood. Humans are social beings but love shouldn’t create such dependency; and that’s what I felt. I was depending on someone else for my own happiness. There were countless nights when I replayed every moment that we ever shared with the melancholy songs on my iPod as the soundtrack.
You were the only light I ever saw
You’re the light on my shoulder
No one’s ever gonna love you more than I do
Those were the lyrics I cried to because I honestly believed that you were the key to my happiness. I had an image in my head of what I wanted you to be, and it was me who was broken when you proved to be otherwise. You couldn’t be that person for me, let alone that guy for me. I couldn’t take the scraps that you gave me because I wanted more than scraps. I wanted whole pieces of you and layers that you gave voluntarily. But instead I gave you pieces of me, maybe pieces that you didn’t deserve. I’ve been trying to get those pieces back, but you still have a hold on me. You still affect me in a way that I can’t explain, in a way that always bring me back to you.
The sad thing is that you were never mine to begin with. It’s ironic how you can feel such a loss for someone or something you never had. I think the reason why we feel so lost is because we fight for something for a long time, with our hearts committed and we still end up defeated. We put our all into something only for someone to get what should’ve rightfully been ours. Others may think I deserve you, but I don’t deserve the feeling of inadequacy. I don’t deserve to stand on the sidelines while you play your game, and work those girls who don’t know any better.
But I know better and I know that you’re better than what you project. Aggressive, sly, and condescending aren’t the essence of your being. You’re who you choose to be. In ten years when you look back on life, would you have chosen this? I’m not judging; I’m just trying to understand. Every day I try to wrap my head around it.
Was I delusional? Are all of my nostalgic thoughts just that, nostalgia? I saw something good in you and maybe that’s the cause for my confusion. I have a hard time locating the good that I saw in you. It’s not so easy to find anymore. I am no longer blissfully unaware. Now I wish to be blissfully unaware because I wouldn’t have to get used to this new version of you. I still have my version when you’re unrecognizable to me. You can’t create someone or hold on to their old version. The only thing that you can do is accept them for the person that they’re today.
Acceptance is a hard thing to do. In order to accept who you have become, I have to discard the old you. I have to discard the person who shined so brightly, at least in my eyes. I have to discard the person who left me breathless. I have to discard the person who made me stronger without even knowing it, but left me vulnerable at the same time. By unveiling my vulnerable side, I also unveiled a strength that was new to me. Unrequited love is no longer a thing to pity, but it’s a thing to admire; because I was brave enough to love someone when I knew that the chances of being loved in return were slim to none.
So, now I can choose to throw out the negative feelings that come along with unrequited love. I can choose to write another story; a story that isn’t so warped with pain and loneliness. Who knows? Maybe this story will rewrite itself. Maybe there’s still a chance, maybe there’s still something worth fighting for. I truly hope so…