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The Truth Is...

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Truth is.. lately I've learned that all people that you care about do is cause pain. I've learned I don't like being hurt so I control the pain and I push it away. I've learned to feel nothing. I've learned not to care. Not to trust. And not to open up. I've learned that people you let to close, people you love, people you care most about.. soon end up leaving.. so why let that happen?! I've learned not to get close to no one. And if they do try getting close I've learned to push em away. But.. only one person has gotten in the way of what I've learned. He's sweet. He says things that any girl would love to hear.. but I've learned a lot of guys do that! But.. he wont give up. That's whats different about him. He cares. He wont let me leave upset. He wont let me go to bed upset, especially when hes the cause. He's different. And for some reason I actually have let him in a little bit.. even after all what I've learned. He sees right through me. He opens me up and says I can trust him. He tries. He says he loves me.. but its so hard to believe! After you've been through a lot like me its hard to believe people.. its hard to trust. And the bad thing is.. he's 18.. I'm 16. He's going off to college away from here. So I'm gonna lose him! And I actually let him in.. so it would hurt to lose him. But again I've learned how to push it away like it wasn't even there.. no pain.. nothing! And with him.. I've tried and I've tried pushing him away, but he just keeps coming back! He keeps coming back with these sweet words and he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get not to mess with a bruised and broken heart. He doesn't get I just might hurt him.. maybe even more then I have already. He doesn't get that I'm gonna lose him and how bad that might bring me down. He doesn't get it at all. I don't know if anymore happens if I can handle it you know.. just take it. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I can just hid the pain and act like it's not even there and never was. I don't know if anything else that happens if I can just push the pain away again and just be alright. How much can a person take! I'm confused. I'm scared. and truth is.. I hid it all! No one knows this. They see a happy person, they see a girl that's always smiling, nothing could bring her down. They see no pain. But they only know my name.. not my story. Yeah.. I admit it I'm good at hiding how I feel.. but it's whats best! Why talk to people about how I feel or about my pain or things that had happen.. it doesn't make anything any better. It may bring tears.. crying.. emotions. Crying shows your weakness.. and I don't want to be known as weak. And this boy.. all he does is wanna talk and talk and talk. He wants me to open up. And when he upsets me or makes me mad he wants to talk face to face.. I want to talk over text because face to face he can see my true colors. My emotions. He can see that I really do care. That I'm actually full of weakness. And that I'm full of fear. And that's the truth. I am! .. I mean lately I've been feeling like a walking zombie. So dang confused about everything. Feeling nothing at all. Just walking without any emotions whats so ever. I don't know anymore if that's right or wrong! Well.. the truth is.. I do care. And I don't like talking about how I feel unless its in writing. I don't like expressing my emotions. And I'm sick of the hurt. I'm sick of trusting people and letting them in and caring.. then they hurt me. I'm sick of it! I should control it right?...





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