Loss is always hungry.

July 19, 2011
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On August 13th 2010, Mum let the cats out in the morning. We never saw my cat again.

I won’t say that I stopped smiling after Kathy disappeared – that would be a lie, and I mustn’t lie. I’ve already sinned such a lot and I know that each sin of mine is an insult to God, as though I’m saying that I like sinning more than I love him.

I even smile almost as often as I used to – but I keep finding myself periodically falling into the same emotional pit again and again and again. When I’ve recovered, I think of that pit as tiresome and I think no more about it… until the next time.

Every now and then, I re-mourn the loss of Kathy. In one of the Kingdom episodes, Peter Kingdom says that loss is always hungry and that it’s always waiting to gnaw away at you when you least expect it. It’s very much like that with me. When I’ve almost forgotten about it, the loss hits me once more and it feels like something’s chewing away at my heart.

When a hurt is fresh, you feel it in your throat like a lump – but if it’s been given months to bide its time, it slides down and settles in your chest, in your lungs, so that every breath reminds you of it.

When I fall into the pit, I think of all the wonderful times I had with Kathy, how soft his fur was, how cold his golden eyes were, how loving and loyal he was to me… The downstairs kitchen was really the cats’ room, so many of my memories are located there. I would sit down on a high stool and he would jump up onto the counter so our faces were on the same level. He showed his affection by pushing the top of his head as hard as he could against my face or hand, and I would kiss him on his forehead.

I have so many memories of him and I love him so much – but now I’m left with nothing.

I always go along this thought path when I fall into that pit. I start with how much I love him and then it hits me again that I’ll never see him again. That’s when I usually start crying.

Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” I know that I can and should go to God for comfort, but it feels like something holds me back. (Satan, probably.) I feel that hurting like this is my due.

I sinned terribly once, in a way that I will regret for a lifetime because, not only was it such a huge sin, but it hurt my mother badly. I believe that losing Kathy was my punishment, and a well-deserved one at that.

I should go and read more of my Bible. I’ve been letting myself drift away, and I need something to hold on to now.

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